Steve Spurrier

-by Joe Tex

Every single year, at about this time, until December, I start to hear from everyone around me how good the Miami Dolphins are, how good of a team they will be this upcoming season, and how the 1972 "Perfect Season" will never happen again, because the Miami Dolphins "...are the best team, EVER!" And every time the month of December comes around and the fish flop like usual, there's always someone or something to blame for Miami not being where they should be.

Well, I've just about had it. I've just about had it with the empty promises, the overwhelming, endless hype, and the same old song and dance, that usually ends in a complete disaster every year. So I was sitting around the other day, thinking of a way to finally rid the Miami Dolphins of their 30 year old curse of not winning a title, and I think I've come up with the perfect plan for the Fish to go back to the Super Bowl - REPLACE SOME KEY PLAYERS WITH HEAD COACHES!

This is the best idea in the history of ideas! Ever since Warren Sapp told Mike Sherman to "put a jersey on", head coaches around the NFL have been dying to do just that. Therefore, using my superior mental acumen (and making a few phone calls), I've convinced Dave Wannstedt and Norv Turner to make the following roster changes, effective immediately.

Here are your new 2003 Miami Dolphins Players:

New QB: Steve Spurrier. After I had a short conversation with the 'Old Ball Coach', Steve has agreed to become the Dolphins' new starting QB, through the 2007 season. I mean, who knows more about Quarterbacks and Quarterbacking then Steve Spurrier? He played musical chairs with the 3 guys he had in Washington, and did it at UF before that with Grossman and Palmer, so he MUST know what he's doing, and must have a hell of an arm, too. After Steve's new NFL career is over, you will have forgotten all about Dan Marino.

New RB: Sorry Ricky, you're great, but you're no...Tony Dungy! Right now, Dungy is quite possibly one of the most fit head coaches in the NFL. His quiet demeanor speaks volumes about the level of skill this man has carrying the ball. And, since he's signed on since about last night, Dungy will rush for over 2,000 yards this year.

New FB: The Miami Dolphins have signed Andy Reid as their new Fullback. At well over 300 pounds, Reid is an unstoppable force that will burst though any defensive package. Mike Holmgren was also considered for this position.

New WR: Chris Chambers is a promising young talent, and this is why the Dolphins have decided to trade him to the Jets for the new WR, Herman Edwards. Herman gets up at 4:15 AM every morning, and his work ethic is exemplary. And who better then Edwards as a Dolphin? After all, the author of the "Miracle at the Meadowlands" will be a great addition, especially against his former team, the Jets.

New TE: Randy McMichael was good, but Brian Billick is EXCELLENT. This man is mean. And he's got speed, during a MNF game, where Chris McAllister returned a missed FG for an NFL Record 107 yards, Brian Billick is seen in the background, keeping pace with McAllister, who runs the 40-yard dash in well under 4.6 seconds.

New DE: You were under the impression that Bill Parcells came back to the NFL as the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. You were wrong, as Parcells now dawns the aqua and orange. A great mind, and a great desire to win, Parcells will clog up any opposing RB's hopes of scoring TD's and big rushes like Liquid Plumber. The TUNA is now a FISH!

New MLB: No one has more heart and soul then Super Bowl 37 champion Jon Gruden. At 38 years old, he's the youngest player on the Dolphins, but his skill more then makes up for his height. His brother, Jay, is an Arena League QB, so that should say something about the Gruden's athletic ability.

New CB: Bill Cowher is BY FAR the best cornerback in the history of the NFL. After Joe Nedney's Broadway performance in last years AFC Divisional Playoff Game, Cowher sprinted 60 yards, showing phenominal closing speed, towards the head official, and got right up in his grill, blanketing him, and cutting off his path. No one else should be in Miami's secondary more than Bill Cowher.

New K / P: This was a very easy selection: Mike Shanahan. Mike knows how to kick a football. After Jason Elam's record-tying 63-yard FG 3 years ago, Mike's brilliant deduction skills informed reporters that Elam's kick was about a "half a foot" longer then Tom Dempsey's 63-yarder.

So there you have it, Dol-Fans - Your NEW 2003 Miami Dolphins. Many of you are probably asking why I care so much about the Miami Dolphins, that I would put together an indestructible team together, right here in South Florida. Well, for once, it will make me look like the super-genius that I am. And then there's the whole "I can't believe Joe, who completely hates the Dolphins, was the one who brought them to glory" thing. That would be so cool, because every time you think of the Dolphins, you think of Joe Tex, GM of the Dolphins in 2003.

And then, I'd screw everyone by selling all of my newly acquired talent and moving the team to Elizabeth, New Jersey, and screwing the Dade County team like never before. MAN, that's such a great idea...

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