-by
Jim Gray
One of my favorite movies is "The
Longest Yard". It's a sports drama about a sadistic warden (Eddie
Albert) who asks a former pro quarter back (Burt Reynolds) now serving
time in his prison, to put together a team of inmates to take on (and
get abused by) the guards. The cast is studded with ex-NFL players.
The movie was made in 1974 when there was a difference between pro
football players and prison inmates. If they made the movie today,
it wouldn't be a drama.......it would be a reality show. There are
plenty of ex-NFL players in prison, and plenty more that should be.
It's no longer
a surprise to open the newspaper and find that an NFL player has been
arrested, charged or convicted of a crime. While the Raiders and the
Cowboys have a well deserved reputation of recruiting and developing
criminals, the Dolphins are also well represented in local, state
and federal prisons. Recently, I opened the paper to find that fan
favorite, Oronde Gadsden has been arrested for DUI. This arrest came
on the heels of the arrest of Eddie Moore, Miami's 2nd round pick
from the 2003 draft.
It's unlikely that these arrests will have a significant
impact on the Dolphins in 2004, but you have to wonder what will happen
if more players end up in the slammer. Will we have to request a weekend
work release program in order to field a team? I thought it would
be fun to take a look at putting together a full team using only present
or former Dolphins that have criminal records, have been charged with
a crime, or been suspended by the NFL for substance abuse. Would it
be possible and how good a team would you have?
Despite my exhaustive
research into the criminal history of Dolphin players, I was unable
to put together a full roster of 11 offensive players, 11 defensive
players, a punter and a kicker. It was necessary to draft a couple
of players from other teams. I identify these "incarcerated agents"
in orange.
Head Coach
We will need a warden/head coach to watch over our criminal dolphin
team, and who better than the man who brought the bulk of them in,
Jimmy Johnson. While it's true that Jimmy was never
charged with a crime, his association with "known convicted felons"
is well documented.
Offense
There is a theory in the NFL that offensive linemen are the smartest
guys on the field, and the make up of our team would tend to support
that. I couldn't find a single offensive lineman with the Dolphins
that has had a serious legal problem, other than Searcy who was signed
by Miami, but never played due to injury. No problem with the skill
positions, we are solid (with plenty of depth) at both wide receiver
and running back.
Wide
Receiver - David Boston (2002 Drug Possession and DUI,
pleaded no contest)
Wide Receiver - Mark Duper (1989 Accused of
Rape, charges eventually dropped, 1994 charged with buying cocaine
with intent to sell)
Wide Receiver - Mark Clayton (1993 Dead Beat
Dad)
Tight End - Eric Green (1992 Substance Abuse)
Quarterback - Brian Griese (2001 DUI)
Running Back- Eugene "Mercury" Morris
(1982 cocaine trafficking, got 20 years)
Right Tackle - Leon Searcy (2001, spousal abuse,
battery)
Right Guard -
Carlton Haselrig [from the Steelers] (1993,
1994, 1995 DUI, Substance abuse, parole violation)
Center - Mike Webster
[from the Steelers] (1999 forging prescriptions)
Left Tackle - Levi Jones
[from the Bengals] (2004, interfering with a police officer,
assault)
Left Guard - Keno Hills
[from the Saints] (1998 Heroine possession, weapons charge)
|
Defense
I almost put together a complete defense from Dolphin's with arrest
records, but I couldn't come up a strong safety and ended up having
to pick up Darius Johnson from the Broncos. I picked Johnson, not
because of his talent on the field, but because of his classy crime
- slapping a topless dancer.
|
Corner - Patrick
Surtain (2000 DUI)
Corner - Fulton Walker (1989 second degree
sexual assault, 2002 convicted of possession)
Left End - Demetrius Underwood (2003 robbed
man in wheelchair - found incompetent to stand trial)
Defensive Tackle - Jermaine Haley (2003 DUI)
Defensive Tackle - Shane Burton (2nd DUI)
Right End - Jim Dunaway (2002, charged with
murdering ex-wife, lost civil suit when children sued him for
wrongful death)
Linebacker - Derrick Rodgers (1998 DUI; 2002
battery, aggravated battery, resisting arrest with violence)
Middle Linebacker - Eddie Moore (2004 disorderly
conduct)
Linebacker - Aubrey Beavers (2003, felony marijuana
possession)
Free Safety - Gene Atkins (1989 arson, 2nd
degree attempted murder, conspiracy to commit battery)
Strong Safety - Darius Johnson
[from the Broncos] (1999 assault)
|
Special
Teams
I have always been impressed with the quality of Miami's special teams,
but we fall short when it comes to convicted felons.....in fact, with
the exception of Janikowski, I am not aware of a single NFL punter
or kicker with a police record. It was necessary to bring up a kid
from college to complete the team.
Kicker
- Sebastian Janikowski
[from the Raiders] (2000, 2001, 2002 bribery, possession,
DUI)
Punter - Jimmy Kibble
[from Virginia Tech, tried out with Pats and Skins] (4 counts
of contributing to the delinquency of a minor...banging high
school girls) |
If any of our
convicts get tired late in the game, have no fear - we have a pretty
strong bench. Here is a partial list of available substitutes. My
apologies if your favorite dolphin is missing.
WR
Oronde Gadsden (2004 DUI)
WR Charles Jordon (car theft, felony theft,
reckless driving, charged with murder)
WR - Tony Martin (1999 drug money laundering)
WR - Lamar Thomas (battery on his fiancee,
parole violation)
WR Mark Ingram (holding counterfeit currency,
dead beat dad, car theft)
WR Robert Baker (1998 drug trafficking)
WR Lamar Thomas (battery on his fiancee, parole
violation)
WR Dedric Ward (2001 accused of drugging and
raping a woman, charges dropped)
RB - Sammy Smith (drug trafficking)
RB - Lawrence Phillips (1996 domestic assault,
2003 sexual assault)
RB - Cecil Collins (2001 sexual assault, breaking
and entering, burglary, serving 15 years )
RB - Fulton Walker (1989 second degree sexual
assault)
RB - Lamar Smith (2003 tried for vehicular
assault and DUI)
RB - Stacey Spikes (1995 domestic abuse, assault)
RB - Jack Harper (2001 illegal alligator harvesting,
identity theft)
QB - Jon Denton (1997 drug possession, ran
prostitution ring in college)
CB - Ben Kelly (2003 DUI) |
What's so impressive about the list is the variety
of crimes. You kind of expect assault and drugs to show up on the
rap sheets, and yes, even murder.....but illegal alligator harvesting?
Running a prostitution ring? That really caught me off guard. Well
done boys.
Now that we have our roster filled out, it's time
to consider just how competitive this team would be. Offensively,
I think we are solid. If we had these players in their prime, this
would be an offense to be reckoned with. Defensively, the team falls
short. With the exception of Surtain, the players are average at best.
Hopefully, Warden Jimmy will be able to put up a lot of points.
And there you have it. Close your eyes and imagine
how it would be...........sitting in Joe Robme Stadium.........the
announcer's voice booms on the stadium PA system as the players (dressed
in aqua and orange prison stripes) take the field.........
"Here are
yoooouuurrrr Miami Dolphinssssss!!!!!!! At wide receiver, he could
elude the defensive backs, but he couldn't elude the DEA......MARK
DUPER!!!!! At running back, when he isn't through opposing defenses,
he's running cocaine, MERCURY MORRIS........."
Disclaimer - in
fairness, I have to point out that I have listed the charges filed
against players. In some cases, these charges were reduced or dropped.
Some charges are still pending, and we all know that you are innocent
until proven guilty.
Jim
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