The Dolphins Make Me Cry.com - Forums

A while back, we referenced a few articles and editorials of guys naming things that all men should know how to do.  I've compiled my own list, from scratch, and I welcome your additions, input, and criticism.  I based it on the general concept of not wanting to look like a chump when put in a situation, not of your choosing.  Think of meeting a girl's father for the first time, then him asking you to do one of the things on this list, and you not knowing how.  For most of these things, it is the absolute most basic knowledge of the skills -- nothing on a professional level -- just enough to fake it and get by.

All men should know:

-   How to change a tire
-   The basic rules of gambling (poker hierarchy, basic blackjack strategy, how to place a bet in roulette and craps)
-   How to parallel park
-   How to drive a manual transmission
-   How to operate a fishing rod and reel (bait a hook, cast, reel in, remove a fish)
-   The basic rules of major sports
-   How to snap a photograph (when given a camera, not fumbling to frame, zoom, and shoot, without asking)
-   How to open a bottle of wine
-   How to use basic tools for simple installation or repair (hammer, drill, screwdriver, wrench, etc.)
-   How to throw a ball
-   How to tie a tie
-   The basic functions of a computer (create and save a file, attach to an email and send)
-   The basic setup and operation of a home theater (how to hook up or troubleshoot a DVD player, cable box, receiver, etc.)
-   The process of ordering a bottle of wine (the difference between the major types, how to taste it for the table)
-   How to give a proper handshake
-   On a conversational level, the general story of a few sports personalities or teams (who won the Super Bowl, that Kobe and Shaq don’t get along, etc.)
-   How to grill (steaks, burgers, dogs, etc.)
-   How to propose a toast
-   How to unhook a bra
-   How to lead a slow-dance (without doing the middle-school clutch)
-   How to sign your signature (different than just writing your name)
-   Their drink (without having to ponder at the bar)
-   How to speak to women (like regular people)
-   How to properly use a fork and knife
-   How to shave with a razorblade
-   How to make a campfire
-   How to set up a tent
-   How to give proper driving directions
-   How to hold a baby
-   How to take a shot (without sipping)
-   The general state of current events and politics (difference between political parties, the major players in government, etc.)
-   How to open a bottle of beer without an opener
-   How to shoot a gun
-   How to compose a letter
-   How to read a map

My manhood feels somewhat secure...I can do all but two on this list...

*The process of ordering a bottle of wine  -  I don't drink the stuff, and have never ordered it. If the woman I am with is into wine, she can snob away without me.

*The general state of current events and politics  -  I don't swallow the stuff, and have no intention of swallowing it any time soon. If the woman I am with has a dire need to talk politics, she can talk to someone else.

I'll add a couple...but you pretty much covered everything

- how to change your own oil.

- how to grow a plant (a garden around your house)

- how to mow the lawn (pretty easy one)

- how to back up a truck with a boat or trailer on it

- how to drink a scotch properly

- how to drive a boat

and in my family you better know how to throw a cast net...not something I'd say every man needs to know though.

Hmm Why would have to know how to drink something..I don't drink Alcohol?
and I'm pretty screwed on the talking to women part...Now if it said Repel women,that's another story...

I'd lump Change your oil,change a tire,use a jack,Check your oil,and transmission fluid,Check your Water/coolant/antifreeze in your radiator...to General Automotive knowledge...

If I meet my girlfriends Dad for the first time and he asks me to do this, I'm either worried, or I think he's the greatest Father in law ever :)

True.  I suppose some of these things are not to look like tools in front of women.  But also new people you're meeting.

In terms of the alcohol ones, I'll give you a free pass on the DRINKING ones if you don't drink (like taking a shot).  But you should still be able to order for the table and open the bottle for others.

I disagree with ordering for the table. Neither Brian nor I drink wine so why the hell should he need the knowledge just to show off. Leave that to someone who actually likes the stuff

Because as a man, society sometimes dictates that we take charge in social situations, on behalf of others.  So, even if you don't drink wine, but you're out with women that do, it's customary for the man to make the order.  It's a situation that I've been in before.  You can tell the women that they have to order for themselves, but it isn't very gentlemanly, in a traditional sense.

Guess Brian's lucky, I hate the stuff :lol:

I laughed at the how to drive a manual transmission, over here if you can't drive a manual you're mocked mercillessly :)

Modified to add I guess you guys could change how to throw a ball into two, adding how to throw a football as a separate one?

I know plenty of people who can throw a ball well, but give them a football and they can't throw it worth a damn.

I was tempted to make a general sports one.  I think that men should be able to play any sport without embarrassing themselves.  You don't have to be good or anything, but you should be able to dribble a basketball without looking down at your hand, make contact with a golf ball, bowl with somewhat proper form, throw a spiral, catch with a mitt, kick a soccerball with your shoelace, grip a tennis racquet, use skates, etc.

I can order for myself and unhook my own bra thank you very much.

Those clasps in the front were easy.  What happened to those things?   ;D

I don't know anything about wine nor do I care to.  Many of our friends have tried to get us to drink it but outside of observing the Lord's Supper,  it isn' happening.  Give me a Michelob and her something with Vodka please.   

For anyone that cares, here's how I fit in:

-   How to change a tire
Yes,
-   The basic rules of gambling (poker hierarchy, basic blackjack strategy, how to place a bet in roulette and craps)
I know the basics. 2 for 2!
-   How to parallel park
I "could" do this, but parallel parking is for losers (especially when regular parking is available)
-   How to drive a manual transmission
Thanks Kalypso!
-   How to operate a fishing rod and reel (bait a hook, cast, reel in, remove a fish)
Fishing sucks. No.
-   The basic rules of major sports
Of course.
-   How to snap a photograph (when given a camera, not fumbling to frame, zoom, and shoot, without asking)
I can figure this out. Yes.
-   How to open a bottle of wine
Wine is gay. Nope.
-   How to use basic tools for simple installation or repair (hammer, drill, screwdriver, wrench, etc.)
Border-line.
-   How to throw a ball
Football, baseball, kickball..any ball? Yes to all
-   How to tie a tie
Uh-Huh.
-   The basic functions of a computer (create and save a file, attach to an email and send)
CTRL + ALT + DEL
-   The basic setup and operation of a home theater (how to hook up or troubleshoot a DVD player, cable box, receiver, etc.)
Maybe.
-   The process of ordering a bottle of wine (the difference between the major types, how to taste it for the table)
Hell no. The process of ordering a diet-coke is much easier.
-   How to give a proper handshake
This is a HUGE (emphasis on HUGE by my upper-case lettering) pet peeve. More than the Starter Wife on USA Network. A strong, firm handshake - ALWAYS.
-   On a conversational level, the general story of a few sports personalities or teams (who won the Super Bowl, that Kobe and Shaq don’t get along, etc.)
What is a "Shaq"?
-   How to grill (steaks, burgers, dogs, etc.)
I don't think i've ever used a grill 1 time in my life. I'm serious.
-   How to propose a toast
I can fake this for sure.
-   How to unhook a bra
I make her do it.
-   How to lead a slow-dance (without doing the middle-school clutch)
Boring.
-   How to sign your signature (different than just writing your name)
I think I can pull this off.
-   Their drink (without having to ponder at the bar)
I don't know what this means.
-   How to speak to women (like regular people)
I think I'm going to need help on this one.
-   How to properly use a fork and knife
Sure
-   How to shave with a razorblade
That's all I use (not a Knife, Sunstroke - a BIC razorblade I am assuming here)
-   How to make a campfire
Camping sucks
-   How to set up a tent
Hello - Camping sucks!
-   How to give proper driving directions
If I know them
-   How to hold a baby
Are you telling me you're not supposed to hold them as if they were being used for a Field Goal try?
-   How to take a shot (without sipping)
Shots are for losers.
-   The general state of current events and politics (difference between political parties, the major players in government, etc.)
I can fake this too
-   How to open a bottle of beer without an opener
Fine, but some piece of furniture is going to have a dent in it.
-   How to shoot a gun
I'll need Palin's help on this one.
-   How to compose a letter
Scarlet Letter, or an actual letter to a company?
-   How to read a map
I even know what rear-azimuth means :)

I disagree with ordering wine as well and I am a drinker. There are several things a man should take charge of, but ordering for other people seems out of line. It may be one thing to order if you intimately know a person or what they drink, but to make assumptions on what they want is going too far I think. What if they don't like wine? What if they only like a certain wine? What if they don't drink at all? You just can't order unles you already have background on someone.

I bet 90% of the people on here can't back up a boat trailer.

I don't own a boat, so it's not a necessary skill.

Will you let me try with your boat?

sure. right after you buy it from me.

Let me see if I can get a loan...

I am going to have to use my get out of jail card as I don't drink or gamble.

I know you had shoot a gun, but a man should know how to hunt(Though I don't do it anymore)
He should be able to answer a telephone, or its a great excuse not to call her back.
All red blooded men should be dolphin fans, no excuses.
All men should avoid being seen in a fashion bug, and caught in a best buy.
All men should cheat on their bowling scores.
Every man should drive a car over 100 mph.
we should never ever make doctors appointments for ourselves.
If we go grocery shopping we should never have a list, as thats not cool.
we should all catch an extremely large fish, but it got away.
we should invent gps for our car keys and especially the remote control.
we all should own a dog named killer or Tyson.
we all should have 300 plus channels on tv, that we only watch sports on during the weekend.
we all should be professional carpenters who end up in the ER after we hit our thumb with hammer.
we all should have our own cool nick name, like Big Daddy Cool or something.
We all should have a sense of humor, because I am joking and you are wasting your time reading this.

I guess there are two on the list I can't do.....

- I can't lead a slow dance as far as I am aware

- I have never fired a gun other than an air rifle, i've held plenty of unloaded guns, and I think I have a pretty good idea on how I would fire one, but I've never fired one so have no comprehension of what to expect.

I bet all the rednecks and joe six-packs can!!!  ;D

That accounts for you, me, & B.  ;D

Yep..I can back a boat,and a 53' Trailer also.... ;D

Wasn't The ability to tell a joke..in your first inclination of this list?

I can do all of those except ordering wine. Wine is wine to me. I do know how to open a bottle though.

As for backing up a trailer, I can but it takes me a little while.  ;D

Glad I'm in that 10%


Yeeeeeeeehaaaawwww....gitterd unson  ;D

I once had to back up a deuce and a half with a 48' overstuffed trailer about a quarter mile through a tight winding little German mountain road until I got to a place where it was wide enough to pull off the side and let the oncoming traffic pass. I'd normally claim the right of way in that situation, but the armored column (half dozen M1 Abrams and support vehicles) definitely had me outgunned, and the angry Major who spit when he screamed at me definitely had my E-5 ass outranked.

But backing the boat is harder than backing a 53' trailer between parked cars and into an alley while people in their cars that you have blocked cuss you and honk and scream for you to "get that g.d. truck outa the way!"Seriously.

Ok,Ok leave the young buck alone now....

My best backing feat was.... I have backed up a mountain backwards in the backwoods of Arkansas...I was a delivery driver,that did home deliveries,where a tractor trailer aren't meant to go....(The Road was too narrow,and there was nowhere to turn the truck around up near the top of the mountain (foothill whatever you want to call it)..It took me close to 25 minutes...to go the whole way....That was the best I had....Snow in Arkansas would be the next worst...Arkansas is right above Florida in knowing how to use a snow plow.... :D

The shot one is bullshit. If you read the label on whisky bottles it clearly says SIPPIN. The majority of people do not know how to even correctly drink their favorite drinks in this country.