The Dolphins Make Me Cry.com - Forums

I'm 22, soon to be 23 (September 14th).  I haven't had a girlfriend throughout college, yet I keep seeing these matches on "Are You Interested"

Should I bite for them?  I feel like I need to do something. 

What advice do you people have?  good idea?  bad idea? 

You're young. Get out of your house and meet some people. Parties, school activities, class, things like that.

You are too young and in a perfect opportunity to meet people. Dating was so easy while I was in school. You could meet brand new people every day if you wanted. I'm with Buddha, stay away at this stage of the game.

That is definitely NOT the way to go.

You need to go out and meet people.  I totally agree with Phish and Buddha. 

Let me guess, you're shy, don't have much confidence with the ladies, etc?  You don't feel like there's an option other than being "fixed up" by someone (friend, web site, service, etc)?

I used to be like that.

But you have to force yourself to be outgoing, go out and make friends, be sociable, maybe join a group doing something you enjoy, sports, football, whatever.  But make sure its in person, not online.  Practice being charismatic and being generally friendly and the rest will come.

You just gotta meet people.  The more the better.

If you aren't finding enough hunka-hunka burning love whilst trolling the local karaoke bars, I think one of these might help...

http://www.isexdoll.com/_e/Sex_dolls_for_men/product/PD3546-00/Asian_Fever_Love_Doll.htm (http://www.isexdoll.com/_e/Sex_dolls_for_men/product/PD3546-00/Asian_Fever_Love_Doll.htm)

...just don't sing to her. She hates that.

Are you looking for someone to chat with on the internet?

Problem with the internet is most people you "meet" on the internet don't live anywhere near you.  I assume you want a girl friend that lives in your area.  They smell and feel better. 

You attend college.  You work in a college dorm.  If a 22 year old can't meet find another person his age there he ain't gonna find them anywhere.

I am assuming Brian is right about you being shy, .  I was (still a bit am) that way too......If you have trouble with the direct method use the indirect method.

That nice chick who fix your internet.  Tell her you want to thank her by buying her lunch as thanks.  You avoid the "asking her on a date" thing ‘cause it isn't a date it is a thank you for fixing your computer.  But it is a date and it goes well it could lead to more dates. 

Another way is study partners.  I always choose study partners I wouldn't mind sleeping with. Most times they remained just study partners.  Twice however, once in college and once in grad school, it led to more.  For example in college me and a girl did our calculus homework together.  We weren’t formally dating but we were spending a lot of time together.  After we got done with homework one of us would often ask the other if they wanted to get something to eat or hit the bar.  Wasn’t really formal date, but in was a date, except we each paid our own way (at least early on, later on sometimes they became formal dates).  Also she occasionally complained about being stressed so I would give her back and neck massages.  As massages don’t work best thru a turtle neck and a sweater, it eventually leads to her disrobing after one study session in my dorm room.  I was too shy to directly tell her I was sexually interested in her and would like to see her topless and she was too shy to tell me she was sexually interested in me.  But indirectly it happened -- she was topless and lying flat down on my bed. ( She had told me to turn around, so at this point I had not actually seen her topless.  With the wink-wink idea that it was just a back rub and she would be putting her shirt back on without me seeing anything.)  Once we got to this point things move along nicely, without either of us ever asking the other if we were interested in sex, or if we wanted to date, heck we hadn’t even been on what could be formally called a “date”.  We were just study partners that had been hanging out with each other for a few months.

Another is to join a third-wheel group.  I started dating girl this way.  A guy I knew was dating a girl, but her college roommate would tag along.  He absolutely hated the roommate (not really her, but her tagging along) but his girl friend was too nice to say no her roommate when she wanted to join in. She was shy around boys and depressed that she didn’t have boyfriend.  The roommate was someone I thought would be nice to get to know better.  So I started tagging along too.  At first he really hated the idea of having two – third wheels instead of just one.  But pretty quickly and pretty naturally without me ever asking her for a date or she wanted to me my girlfriend it really started to become double dates and eventually it split off from that so we were no longer a foursome, but two twosomes.  And all four of us were much much happier. 

So get away from the computer and start hanging out with kids your age. 

If you can do what Brien suggests and get become less shy -- great. 

If not look for groups that have an odd number in your favor: 2 girls – 1 boy or  3 girls – 2 boys.  And don’t pass up opportunity to ask a girl on a date under other pretenses – as thanks, to study together, etc. 
   

This is a good idea, I think.  Even if she has a boyfriend, or is otherwise attached, it'll help you open up with some one-on-one time with her in a non-work setting.  Like he said, its not a date, so no pressure to "perform".

Make it happen.

Dude at this point I'm thinking the girl is thinking "When is this dumb ass going to take the hint?" LOL

Just messing with you Hoodie, I think we can all relate.

Ah, Hoodie...you're all about the pursuit of knowledge...or nookie. ;)

Do you think Asperger's is part of the reason you're having trouble connecting?

Two of my nephews have it and they're both very different, personality-wise, when it comes to interacting with peers.

One will go up and talk to anybody without fear at all, but it comes across as very socially awkward.  I imagine if he tried to meet a girlfriend in a traditional setting, that it'd be very tough for him.

^^^^

It could be, plus the fact that I have severe ADHD, which can make me act awkwardly.  It's hard for me to control.  (For example, I blurt things out to myself a lot)

I have started seeing this one girl from one of my classes.  We've gone on dates as friends.  I'd like to ask her out, but I'm afraid if I try to make it a bf-gf relationship, I will lose her as a friend. 

It's extremely difficult for me.  When I was a freshman, I tried making advances on girls, always failed, and sunk into depression.  I nearly took my own life midway through my freshman year.  Rarely, but sometimes, I can get girls to be attracted to me at bars (not karaoke bars), but I can't seem to get it past the meeting stage to the "Let's go out for coffee sometime" stage.

Sometimes, it seems people are attracted to me, but when I try to take it to another level, it doesn't work.  Take, for example, the girl who fixed my computer.  She has seemed to be interested in me.  She facebook IM'd me telling me she had looked at my facebook photos and also clicked like on both my piano covers that I posted to facebook.  We had tentatively set up a time to hang out on Monday, but she had plans, so that got cancelled.  I'm wondering if I should try again, or will that make her uncomfortable. 

I'm in a lot of groups, but when I try to go out and meet people, it doesn't work. 

So, how do you people suggest I go out and meet people?

And how do I get people to be attracted me when I interact with them.

A lot of the people in my groups like me as a person and interact well with me, but it doesn't usually work when I take it to the hang out stage of friendship. 

Contact her again. If she says no leave her alone. She might have actually had plans.
Work on your awkwardness. Awkwardness is a HUGE turn-off and can really come across as creepy.  No one wants a creepy boyfriend.

All of things you people have suggested, I've tried but they don't work for me.

I helped a girl study throughout summer classes this summer, but when I tried to take it to a study date stage, it didn't work.  She fell for somebody else in the class.

One girl, I knew told me she wanted me to visit her in her new dorm last spring, but I tried several times to make it happen and it didn't.  Now I think she views me as kind of creepy. 

When I try to meet people in bars, they usually don't respond positively, and when they do, one of the following things happens:

1) I mess up big time

2) they aren't interested in doing anything outside of the bar

I sometimes think what hurts me is that I look so much younger than my age.  When shaved, I don't look like an adult, I look like a school boy.  But when shaved, I look like a ruffian. 

This sounds like your own insecurity to me.  Things come up all the time and plans get cancelled, if she wasn't interested she probably wouldn't have set up the time in the first place.  It's possible that she changed her mind or just didn't want to hang out in the first place and was trying to let you off easily, but it's far from guaranteed.  Ask again.  If something comes up a second time I would sense a pattern, but don't let one time be your guide.  Girls don't like to be thought of as chasing the guy any more than you want to be thought of as chasing the girl, but she did initiate things a little bit through FB.  She may need you to be a little assertive now to let her know you're interested too.  If you aren't she may take that as your not interested.

It's a bit like I was giving Hoodie a hard time about.  If a girl is laying on your bed with her top off, if you think all she is expecting is a back rub, I think you're kinda missing the signals she is sending. LOL

^^^^

The way I see it, if she was attracted to me, she would have hung out with me, rather than her friends.

That's why I think the girl I'm seeing as a friend from class right now is actually attracted to me.  She went on a misssion for a month in Africa and when she got back, she contacted me, I didn't contact her.  And she has made an effort to see me.  And on our last date, she was more affectionate than she has been. 

Absolutely re-schedule with the internet-fixer girl.  And be confident in doing so.  If you act awkward, they will pick that up as insecurity, and girls like confidence.  If she blows you off again, I'd let her go.

And this girl from your class that you're seeing, does she seem to enjoy going out with you?  If she didn't like you, she wouldn't continue making plans with you, she'd likely avoid you.  She could be sitting around wondering why you're not asking her for more...

And I'd suggest avoiding going to bars to meet girls.  Just my 2 cents.  Often times the girls there are looking for something specific and there's a lot of competition.  It will work against you in the long run.

You just have to work on your own confidence, realize that you have something to offer, and present that.  The rest will fall in naturally.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of your input.  I might bump this thread from time to time.  It's threads like this that make me proud to be a dolphins fan.   Fans support each other. 

Start cultivating more interest in extremely ugly women. They won't care if you're awkward...or if you can't sing.


(climbs into flame-resistant full body suit to await the inevitable napalm strafing)


Oops...

Sorry but I see this as a serious problem on your part.  Relationships are a give and take, but that doesn't mean she gives and you take.  If it were me and a girl says some friends showed up and she wanted to cancel to go with them, I would have said that's fine but asked if she would mind if I tag along as well.  That way she doesn't have to choose between friends and you and you get a chance to meet her friends.

See I think this is where you're obviously not getting the "hint".  She leaves for a month and then initiates contact with you when she gets back and your still not sure if she's attracted to you?  What are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for her to ask you out?  In my opinion she's wanting you to be a little more assertive and you're not.  You're running the risk of losing her because she's gonna think you're not interested.  You can't let them do all the work, you got to meet them half way.  Get busy.

I don't see what my singing has to do with this.

Although it's funny, my two highest rated youtube videos are my two singing covers.    The next two are my Lady Gaga piano covers. 

My plan is to keep going out with her, but gradually increase the level of affection I show towards her and see how she responds. 

Nah, worse case you will get the dreaded, "you are like a brother to me” line.  Unless you push it way harder than you should after she firmly says no.  


That is why you need to think of baseball analogy.  The job of a hitter is to hit the ball.  All of them fail a their job more often then they succeed.  If you are a hall of fame quality pick up artist you are going to strike out a lot more than you get a hit. If you are just normal joe, the strikeouts are gonna be very much the norm .  If you make three advances in two weeks your odd of having a date are almost nil.  If you ask 20 girls a day, within a week you will have one.  

I had a friend who sent out 2,500 resumes per day for three days.  Total of 7,500.  She used mail merge to create the cover letters.  I bet well over 95% of them were tossed in the trash within mins as she sent many to companies that didn’t have openings in her field.  Some even came back from the post office cause the company didn’t exist anymore.  But she did get several interviews and one job offer.  She only needed one job.  You only need one girlfriend.  â€œQuantity over quality” was her motto.  It worked.  She had a new job less than 1 month after being laid off in a down economy.  Was she a success or failure?  Keep in mind 99.987% of all the companies she applied for a job with directly or indirectly said they weren’t interested.  That is a very high failure rate.      


She might actually have had plans.  Or maybe she just wants to make sure you are really interested.  Don’t believe the poster they hang in your dorm.  More often than not “no” means “not now, ask again later ‘cause I only go out with guys that are interested enough in me to really peruse me.”  Worse case you make her uncomfortable.  Just like plenty of companies think my friend is an idiot for applying for a job when they are laying off and would have no need for her even if they were expanding.  She didn’t care how many people didn’t hire her as long as ONE did.  

If you make her uncomfortable she ain’t gonna be your gf.  But if you don’t ask she ain’t gonna be your gf either.  What is worse forgoing the risk of missing out on what could be a gf, or risking having someone who doesn’t like you anyway becoming uncomfortable?  

Now, I am not saying persist if she is clearly uncomfortable.  Or she is very clear about not wanting you to peruse her.  

But, I use to think that when a girl sent mixed messages she was being nice and didn’t want to directly tell me to bug off she ain’t interested.  And if I persisted she would be pissed and eventually be very direct. I have concluded that is sometimes the case but many times not the case. Very often they are actually playing hard to get and if a girl ain’t interested she will be very direct about it up front and not just hint she isn’t interested.  Err on the side that she really likes you.  Worst case is you are told very directly to stop fucking bothering me.  So what.  If you err the other way you miss too many opportunities.  

My advice is don’t set a goal of having a girlfriend.  

Set a goal of asking 10 girls a week out for a date, until you get into a relationship.  No goal on number of actual dates.  Just a goal on the number of times you ask girls out.  You can ask the same girl more than once to hit the goal.  So if you hit on 5 different girls each twice in a week that gets you to 10.  Once you get immune to the disappointment of no you will be fine.  

Keep in mind Babe Ruth got more strikeouts than homeruns, he didn’t contemplate suicide after each strikeout, he just got ready for his next at bat.  You should do the same.      

Let's not get all crazy here. I'm NOT a Dolphins fan.

+1

Yes definately let her be the guide, but I think in this case it's better to ask for forgiveness rather than ask for permission.  What I mean by that is that you're gonna have to take a few chances.  Have you kissed her?  If not, I would try and see how she reacts.  If she says "What in the hell do you think you are doing?" you apologize and say you misread the situation completely, however if she doesn't than I think you can safely assume that you're headed down the right path.

Good luck.

^^^ This is a big bold step that requires cojones.  But you have to be in the right situation...  It could work or it could be a total bomb.  Either way, you're all-in if you go this route, and you'll find out for sure if you win or lose.

Not necessarily.  Even if she says "What the hell do you think you are doing?", you may still not be screwed.  At that point you can now start trying to explain yourself and about how you feel about her and you thought that maybe she felt the same way and that you're really sorry that she doesn't.  She has 2 choices at this point, she can say "You're damn right I don't", which means you're screwed or she could say, "Well you're just moving too fast" in which case you're not screwed, you now know she's interested but she needs more time.  That's OK.  At least you've got some kind of guage on the interest level.  Sure it requires some cajones, but at least you'll have clear picture where you stand.  You move too slowly and she may be turned off thinking that you're just not into her.  If you move too fast and she tells you and you apologize, that could be the start of really talking about how you feel about each other which can move things along.

Agree 100% with Pappy.

Plus if you got zero chance with her find out sooner, rather than later and start prowling for the next potential future Mrs. dolphins4life. 

The secret of success is overcoming the fear failure.   

Guys giving guys advice about women.  The blind leading the blind.

You want to offer something more substantial? 

She didn't say we were wrong and if she did think we were wrong, I think she would have said so.  ;D

BINGO.

That's the entire thread in one eloquently stated sentence.

I just want to point out that guys that ask out EVERY girl they run across or a large number of them ARE creepy. Women aren't stupid. We know about the numbers game and most of us think it sucks.