The Dolphins Make Me Cry.com - Forums

1.  Playboy/Hugh Hefner.  It's bad enough the magazine sucks without having to look at this pathetic wrinkly old bastard.  To top it all off the magazine's attitude is essentially if you don't make $75,000 a year, you don't like naked women.

2.  Budwieser.  And this one hurts.  For years I was a huge fan and it was all we drank.  I had a massive poster of the Clydesdales framed on my wall.  I liked my Bud Keychain/Can Opener even if I kept breaking them and having to order new ones.  I wore my Budwieser racing hat all the time.  It was a comfortable hat.  Now they put that disgusting red label on the big bottles.  Now the company is owned by a bunch of spazzy Germans and Brazillians.  Plus August Busch IV turned out to be a total scumbag.  P.S. Bud Light sucks.  Stop running ads for it every ten seconds. 

3.  Academia.  I won't get into the political aspects of it because that's on record.  It's too goddamn expensive to go to an average college now.  Think about this for a second.  You can spend approximately what it costs to buy a Ferrari and when you get out, everybody has the same degree you do and guess what, they're working in a call center making the same $25,000 a year you are.  Also, stop fucking with the little kids.  I know it's the times we're living in, but stay the hell out of their lunch box, stop teaching them about sex in kindergarten and let them be children and enjoy childhood for awhile.  Believe me it gets taken away quick enough.  To make matters worse I actually learned more from the adults in my life than I ever did in a classroom.  Clearly I'd have been no worse off skipping college.  Also it's time to come to grips with the fact that Academia is a business now just like anything else.  The only difference is it's also subsidized.  Textbooks don't have to cost $100 and be reprinted in new editions every year.  You don't HAVE to buy every kid in school a goddamn personal laptop.  And no my child should not need a $200 graphing calculator to do their math homework. 

4. Parents who bitch about their children.  You had them.  Nobody put a gun to your head.  Don't whine because you have to take them everywhere.  Evidently that's kind of implied when you have children.  Along with feeding them, caring for them, and generally putting up with them for the next 18 years.  This also includes driving them places.  Don't bitch at me about their grades, I don't care if they got suspended.  You shouldn't be badmouthing someone you profess to love behind their back no matter how small they are.  And it's also not my problem if you're a "single parent."  You made the choice to have a child, you made a choice to fuck the other person, and at some point you made the choice to leave.  If you knew they were assholes when you got with them or couldn't be trusted, then why the hell would you have a kid with them.

5. ESPN.  I really have come to despise a cable network that plays nothing but sports.  The problem isn't the sports. The problem is the assholes on there.  It's bad enough they hate the Dolphins.  Chris Berman still has the same 5 cheesy catchphrases he always did.  If he can't come up with a new gimmick by now, get rid of him.  Also his objectivity is completely out the window.  I don't need sportscenter or its half hour version run repeatedly over and over again throughout the day.  Sports don't start until the afternoon, so stop replaying the goddamn same highlights.  Also keep politics the fuck out of sports.  I don't want to see the president throwing out the first ball, or sitting in the stands or having bracket time.  This annoys the hell out of me no matter who it is or what party they're from.  I also don't need to see that the women's international curling team was invited to the whitehouse.  We get it.  Win a national title, meet the president.  It's not news anymore.   Also don't tell us what a great athlete the president is.  If he were that great an athlete he'd be playing in the pros. 

6. Celebrity shows.  Entertainment Tonight is the one I'm thinking of but there's probably two dozen more.  I don't care who's getting married or who's dating.  If I want to know who's gay that bad, I'll spend the $3 on the National Enquirer.  I can read it on the toilet, I can do the crossword puzzles and the reporting is probably more accurate than 99% of the newspapers out there now.  Which brings me to...

7.  Bob Costas.  It's bad enough he looks like the dorky kid with the speech impediment we all used to chuckle at a little in high school.  He doesn't need to be on every sports network on the planet.  Nothing he says is original, and he like Chris Berman has no sense of objectivity.  If I see him I'm going to punch him in the face.  My beloved Indians were two outs away from winning their first world series since 1948.  But all we listened to was Bob Costas whining about how Jim Leyland was never going to get his world series ring.  Then when the Marlins won, I basically got to watch Bob do the journalistic equivalent of blowing Jim Leyland. 

8.  People who can't drive on the fucking highway.  They fall into two categories.  First: People who think they're Mario Andretti and can just slam their car in anywhere.  This annoys me for a couple reasons.  You're not cool.  Your car is almost without exception either a mid-life crisis mobile or a foreign pile of shit you put a knock off exhaust tip and walmart rims on.  Most of the time I stay in one lane and end up passing you.  Second: People who drive SUV's/minivans.  These people are usually cutoff happy and I'm not sure why.  I think it has to do with their failure to comprehend the concept of a blindspot.  Also either buy a goddamn truck or don't.  What the fuck is the point in driving something that's basically a truck you can't really put anything in?  Unless you have to carry like 10 kids around all the time or you're a repair man who needs a shitload of tools and equipment but doesn't want to expose to the elements, buy a sedan or buy a pickup truck.  Assholes.

9.  Whoever invented those goddamn scooters.  Get the fuck off the road.  I'm sorry you're too chickenshit to buy a motorcycle, and I'm also sorry the goddamn scooter only goes 20 miles an hour.  You're actually obstructing traffic and probably cause more accidents than your worthless ass deserves.

10. School Buses.  This didn't bother me so much until recently.  They leave the goddamn flashers on for too long.  There's no need to leave your yellows on for five minutes.  Pull up to the house or bus stop.  Put flashers on when children run out.  Turn on reds.  Open door.  Child inside bus.  Turn flashers off.  Tell him to sit his ass down and shut up.  Drive away.  Simple.  Also this thing where you can't turn on red, or in NY they have to stop at railroad crossings and why I have no fucking clue.  You're a vehicle.  Follow the same laws the rest of us do.  Otherwise you keep stopping in the middle of the road and holding up traffic for no reason. 

Don't worry there's more but I'm too goddamn tired from arguing with retarded people at work all damn day.  To be continued.

I read your other ones, but this stuck out most.  It is such a sham right now.  If I had a kid that was graduation High school right now, I would tell him to figure out what he wants to do and go to a specialized school.  College is a huge waste of money, and what do you learn.  Not that much.  Basically you pay a bunch of money, and then you get a piece of paper that says you graduated.  There are lots of people who graduate, who aren't any smarter than when they got it.

Judge's Card: BigDaddyFin Rant (with judge's notes)

Passion:   7/10
(I felt his pain, but still came away feeling like he was holding back a little. Maybe to protect me. Yeah, that's probably it.)

Cohesiveness:   8/10
(A little choppy at points, but he kept the path clear enough for all to follow)

Logic:   5/10
(Score torpedoed by head-scratching Academia and School Buses sections)

Style/Humor:   6/10
(Style was fine, but what's that I'm not hearing? Oh yeah...laughter)

Grammar:   9/10
(BigDaddyFin wields the language well. Please give props to Academia...before they're destroyed.)

Stamina:   10/10
(Not only was it long enough to be considered "beefy," but the "to be continued" promises more steak for the grill soon) 

Overall:             45/60

Academia?  Really?  I have to say, the fellow accountants and attorneys I know are doing pretty OK for themselves.  So are our clients.  By and large, we all went to school, and most of us paid for graduate degrees.  University is NOT, by any stretch, a waste of money.

Talk all the shit you want about the magazine, but Heff is one of the greatest humans of the modern era.  He made porn accessible across America! He sleeps with hot model chicks whenever he can get enough Viagra.  He wears jammies not because they're a fashion statement, but because he's about to go to bed with some hot chick...and he's almost 206 years old!  And I can't stress this enough...HE MADE PORN ACCESSIBLE ACROSS AMERICA!  :P

This man is living the life we all dreamed we could have as teenagers.

Not all colleges and universities cost the equivalent of a Ferrari.  It id going to cost me less than 100k to finish school and go to a very good law school.

The Polar Bears in the Coca Cola commercial. 

If ever I'm at the top of a hill, and I see a bunch of my food dancing around, you can bet I'm not sharing a Coke with them.  I'm running down there with whatever weapon I can find and butchering the shit out of the place and then I'm taking that goddamn Beach Boys cd and smashing it.  Then I'm loading the coolers full of Coca Cola, and all the dead penguins into the back of the truck, driving home and hoping I have enough space in my freezer. 

Polar bears suck.  They're aggravating and they get too much TV time for a habitat WHERE NOBODY LIVES.  Instead there's always one floating away on ice somewhere.  Are these the only bears on the planet that don't swim?  Are they not smart enough to move to where the ice isn't breaking? 

And Meca, did Larry Flynt have nothing to do with making porn accessible?

My overall grade of the rant is A-. A good rant should be a bit incoherent. What's lacking is that little dash of crazy.

As an expert in ranting and raving and being incoherently comprehensible (nice oxymoron, right?), I'll give this rant a solid A+.

There are several qualities I like about it:

- It is ordered numerically, for organizational purposes
- It is staccato-ey in feel
- It's somewhat incoherent and rambling (a key essential to a good rant)
- It's wide ranging, covering a variety of topics from sports to education to human psychology
- There are curse words mixed in with rationale for emphasis
- There are cries for help (e.g. "...keep politics the fuck out of sports.")
- There is a threat of violence (e.g. "...if I see him I'm going to punch him in the face.")
- There is the quintessential "to be continued" ending

I don't agree with Sunstroke that it needs a pinch of humor, but I would say that a pinch more of anger and frustration is always good.

I also like how you transitioned between two completely separate topics (Celebrity Shows and Bob Costas). A great rant can mix oil and water together.

Overall, great work!

Two thoughts...

1) Your use of "oxymoron" is about half right. Unfortunately, it's the moron half.
2) Asking you to be subjective on a rant is like asking a crack junkie to be subjective about how much rock to smoke on a Friday night.


I suppose that's a matter of perspective...

Adding more anger increases the therapeutic value for the ranter.

Adding more humor increases the entertainment value for the reader.

Good rant in general, though I don't agree with some points.  I think that academia is still good and important in this country.  I think the problem with it is that we're teaching everyone that college is where to go after high school and wasting people's time.  I think that people on certain tracks should go to college, and others should go to a vocational school.  Some kind of higher education is important.  Unfortunately, we're lumping everyone into the same group.

That said, I do think that college is an important tool to weed people out.  It shows that you're serious, can commit to a long term goal, and have a basic level of general education.  You still will learn more on the job, though.

Nice rant, good points. I'd give it a A-.

What did the polar bears ever do to you?

Polar bears are a great asset.  They kill people stupid enough to get too close to them, thus removing more stupid people from the population.

I'd like to see the Kardashians go down.  I don't know who they are, but I don't really understand why they're on TV all the time.

Cancer Fundraisers. This drew my ire for a different reason.

1.  October is cancer awareness month.  Given that everyone in the civilized world knows what cancer is, do we need to raise awareness and HAVE A WHOLE GODDAMN MONTH DEVOTED TO IT?  THEY MAKE EVERYTHING AND ITS MANUFACTURED SISTER COME IN FUCKING PINK NOW. 

2.  The reason I finally got pissed and decided to bash cancer.  They have this thing in Raleigh called Le Toure Du Femme.  For those of us who aren't fronch, that's english for fruity broads on bikes.  So if you're going to have a cancer fundraiser, since it affects women AND men, why the fuck would you have a cancer fundraiser that only women are allowed to participate in SON OF A BITCH.

Everyone knows I'm on Skoal so I don't go on a five state shooting spree.  And then they slip this shit in?  Is it a even a disease anymore?  Or is it just trendy?  You be the judge, but you know what, unless it says ST. JUDE's on it I'm not giving money to, fuck you get a tumor and die.

Nice to see the touch of "crazy" I was missing from the original rant ;)

There's the laughtrack I was craving in the original... ;D


Agreed...you could almost "feel" the psychotic twitch.


OK...maybe a hair too psychotic. ;)

There's actually a lot of truth in your rant, sir.  The business of charity is making quite a profit.  Donating their time and money to a charity make folks feel better, so they donate with abandon to feel good/trendy causes like breast cancer awareness.  Unfortunately, it takes a lot of cash to keep the PR machine rolling and to feed the business of running a charity.  After salaries and promotional considerations are paid, I don't think a whole hell of a lot of money is actually making its way to funding anti-cancer research from these organizations.  The operational costs of some of the bigger "charities" are staggering.  Here's an excerpt from an article I found:

At one time, the American Cancer Society spent only 26 percent of its national multibillion-dollar budget on actual medical research, allotting the other three-fourths to “operating expenses.” In 2005, the Phoenix New Times reported that the Arizona branch of the organization spent a gasp-inducing 95 percent on overhead costs, leaving cancer victims “only the crumbs.” At the Arizona branch, the nonprofit spends 22 times as much on paying employees, maintaining the offices, and keeping the coffee machine running than on the cancer victims they are supposedly aiming to save.http://www.thecrimson.com/article/2006/5/15/corrupt-charities-pstrongcorrection-appended-see-belowstrongp/

It's an opinion piece from 5 years ago, but I think it gets the point across.

Charity Navigator keeps track of how much money goes where.

American Cancer Society page http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=search.summary&orgid=6495

Not really an American institution,but I would love to see ALL "reality" t.v. shows disappear from the face of the earth.They're not really about "surviving"or a "race" or even driving a big truck on an "ice road"...they're all about this person can't stand this one and she's a bitch or lets act like we're all friends with this one then stab her in the back,in short,baby- shit gossip that most people grew out of by 8th grade.I can't stand em.geesh.

What if it really was about surviving? We could throw people into the desert, artic, jungle or even Compton and the last one alive wins a million dollars!

+2

I'd like to see the decline of tobacco in this country.  It's already happened a lot, but I think that smoking in public places has got to go.  It's fuckin' gross and makes everyone sick.

I hate smoking too. 

Another thing I hate is people who hit the lock button twice and honk their horn.  Hit the lock button when you get out of the fucking car, or just hit the button once. I would love to kick the person in the balls who decided that would be a good idea.  It is fucking annoying.

^ I do it to make sure my doors are locked because the kids don't always shut them all the way.

If you're bitching about smoking, and you happen to be a fan of legalized marijuana, you're probably going to end up on here.  Just FYI.

It makes people sick in open air places? Love to see the research on that. There are many things done in public that make people sick or feel uncomfortable. Just today at lunch a guy came in wearing so much aftershave, that I started to get a headache. But is this worse than "hippies" who do not bathe or use deodorant?

Yeah, it makes me sick.  What is "open air" anyway?  People smoke near the doors at my job and despite being outside, the smoke just lingers.  It's friggin' gross and makes me cough.

I don't want to make smoking illegal.  I just wish that people would do it where there aren't other people.

It means the opposite of being stuck in an enclosed building, such as a casino, bar, work, etc. You do not want it to be illegal, just utterly isolated far from the possibility someone might get a whiff of smoke.

^ Yeah, I guess so.

If you are smoking in high traffic areas, you're an inconsiderable a-hole in my book.

You need to speak to the building management. My guess is they have the ashtrays beside the entrance so that is the "designated" smoking area. Considerate building management does not put the ashtrays (people are typically going to smoke beside them) at the doors.

Actually, we have.  There are "no smoking" signs posted.  People just do it anyway, then throw the butts on the ground.  They also smoke in the bathrooms and in the staircase.

Sounds like you work with a bunch of high schoolers.

^ It's not people I work with.  It's people who are in the same building.  I think they're probably a lot of drug addicts that work in a call center.

Protesters who don't know what they're protesting.

They had an Occupy Raliegh protest on a Saturday.  In front of a government building, and these stupid bastards just stand around and look at each other and try to figure out WHY NOBODY'S THERE.  HELLO YOU FUCKING MORONS.  YOU CAN'T PROTEST A GOVERNMENT BUILDING ON A SATURDAY WHEN NOBODY WORKS ON SATURDAY. 

Naturally the local news showed up.  This is hysterical because none of them knew what the message was and half the protesters didn't speak English.  One guy had to have his sign translated before he could answer the reporter's question and most of the other people when asked what exactly their message was were essentially content with the answer "we'll get back to you."  This is right up there with the stupid bitch who protested the Iraq War and when asked what she would do in reference to Saddam she said "be nice to him."

Are you fucking kidding me with this happy horseshit?  Thank Christ I work in Durham or I would have shot one of these cocksuckers by now.  And it's hysterical that they're against anything corporate when Ben & Jerrys (a subsidiary of a CORPORATION) comes out and says they want to show solidarity with them.  I see shit like this and it takes everything I can do resist the urge for ethnic cleansing.  SON OF A BITCH.