The Dolphins Make Me Cry.com - Forums

I was listening to Maxim radio (which is my new favorite station -- Sirius 108) and they were talking about all things that a man should know how to do.  Now, keep in mind, these are not MANLY things.   ...but they are things that a man should know how to do.  There is a difference.  For example, a man should learn how to order a bottle of wine.  Not manly, per se, but fumbling with the wine list like a dipshit on a date can cockblock you somethin' awful.  So, you should know the basics -- what a merlot, chardonet, pinot, etc is -- what to do when they ask you to sample -- etc. and so on.

I can't do all of these, but some of the ones I thought were pretty good:

- how to order a bottle of wine, like I said
- how to change a tire
- how to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener
- how to unhook a bra
- how to do your own laundry
- how to do basic and repair and installation, use commmon tools (hammer, tape measurer, wrench, etc.)
- how to open a bottle of wine
- how to drive a manual transmission
- how to cook on a grill

And I added this one:
Be on a basic conversation level (semi-current) on at least 1 of either basketball, football, or baseball.  ...I'm not saying that you have to be like any of us, or even follow the sport, but just check the news now and then to know what teams are good, and any big stories (like Kobe's 81 points or who's playing in the Super Bowl).

Guys, what do you think that you should know how to do?
...and more importantly,
Gals, what should your man be able to do, so that he doesn't look like a bumbling, inexperienced child?

GREAT station....can't wait for the playbot channel too!!  i've heard lists of things like this before....its a good idea...i cant believe how many dudes are inept at some basic man life skills...

- how to order a bottle of wine, like I said
  >i'm italian....mastered that by the time i was 15

- how to change a tire
  >anyone who can't do this is just fucking stupid

- how to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener
  >you've just gotta be creative or have a lighter handy!

- how to unhook a bra
  >see #1

- how to do your own laundry
  >my mom used to make me do it when i was 5!

- how to do basic and repair and installation, use commmon tools (hammer, tape measurer, wrench, etc.)
  >done

- how to open a bottle of wine
  >see #1

- how to drive a manual transmission
  >NO ONE knows how to drive stick anymore...its rather sad

- how to cook on a grill
  >now that's just built-in instinct

I've been listening to Maxim Radio 108 alot lately, for some reason.  I wish I could bring it in to work with me - they don't stream 108 over the web stream, dammit.

I can do all of those things except 2 - Drive a stick, and order wine. 

I don't drink wine so I don't know WTF I'm doing - luckily I never need to! 
I know HOW to drive a stick, but I suck at it and no one wants to offer up their car for me to practice!

I'm curious to see what the itty-bitty female population on here has to add to this list.

Some of these things I can do in theory, but have never actually done.

...like changing a tire.  I KNOW what has to be done, and can follow the directions, but have never actually done it before.  I probably wouldn't be stranded, but it would be a lengthy process.  It's something that I should probably practice.

I've learned a lot on the wine front, but have gotten stuck in that situation and felt sort of like a chump.  I've learned more since then.  Even if you don't drink wine, it's something that you should learn.

All of the other things on the list, I can do well.

there are no instructions or directions to changing a tire.  you should go out to your driveway and jack it up just so you know how.

and then, when you're done, try changing your tires, too.

^^^^^^^

brian, you're completely wrong.  every car manual has detailed instructions in it!  that being said, i'm sure none of us have ever read them... and it only takes 10 minutes to change a tire

Yeah...and the jack has instruction specific to the car, where it needs to be jacked, etc.

It might be a 10 min. job for you, Tony, but I think it might take a little longer for me.

Heh - shows how much I read my user manual...  Point is, you shouldn't need instructions to change a tire.  I guess, though, if you're not a gearhead and never had a flat, you could feasibly not know how.

Well I know and have done everything on that list except ordering wine. But I hate wine, so if the bitch wants wine she should know what to order. Chicks like Pinot Grigio and White Zin is as much as I know and it's gotten me this far.

Also I've mastered the one handed bra removal technique. It's easy w/ practice.

^^^^^

haha that's the only technique i've ever used....first time i EVER tried to take a bra off a girl, i attempted and aced the one-handed technique...neither one of us could believe it!  i mean its not hard...just like a flick ot the wrist!



and yes, being an engineer i have the tire changing down to pit crew times.  (it's also because i drive in hazardous NJ AND drive like an asshole, so i get a flat every few months...

- how to order a bottle of wine- Yup. I know my wines very well.

- how to change a tire- Yup. I also stop on the side of the road during downpours to help old ladies from time to time, and get sent a bill afterwards! Remind me to tell you that story sometime.

- how to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener- Yup. Easy to do.

- how to unhook a bra- Yup. Although now that I'm married, I don't have any need for this skill.

- how to do your own laundry- I do the laundry in our household.

- how to do basic repair and installation, use commmon tools (hammer, tape measurer, wrench, etc.)- Basic? I've gone way beyond that.

- how to open a bottle of wine- Yup.

- how to drive a manual transmission- Yup. My first brand new car was stick. I got it abotu 5 days after I learned how to drive stick. And then had to drive it home from Connecticut!

- how to cook on a grill- Yup. I am the grill master.

Since I can't stand the taste of wine, I'd remove the two wine-related items and replace with:

* Know how to build a campfire. Shocked this isn't on the list already...creating fire is a pretty basic "man" skill.

* Know how to tie a cherry stem in a square knot with your tongue. If you can do this without breaking eye contact with a female, you really don't need any wine to get her into bed.

How much you like wine is irrelevant.  I don't like changing tires, but it's something I should know how to do.  Women often like wine, and it's impressive when a man knows what he's doing in that respect.

If the girl wants wine, and you say "you'll have to open the bottle yourself, I don't know how", you are a big, pulsating vagina, whether you take a sip or not.

I talked to a female friend of mine and she was able to add some insight:

- how to play pool (and not look like you're retarded)
- how to bargain/negotiate (like buying a car, or working with a loan officer)
- how to operate your basic electronics
- how to take a shot correctly (not sip it or choke on it)
- how to play sports just a little bit (so you have basic control of your body, and you aren't embarrasing)

I actually do know enough about wine to order AND open the bottle... I just have never had a taste for the stuff, and more to the point...have never had a girlfriend that was into wine either.

I'm shocked that you've never changed a tire...I've had to do that at least 20 times in my life. Hell...I've changed a tire on the side of I-95 in the rain multiple times. You must be living a charmed life or something.  ;)

I started driving pretty late - 17, and I've not really gone on many long treks away from home...school, work, etc, have always been right around the corner up until last year.  I've just never had a blowout.

I know how to order wine: "Can we get a bottle of wine please?"

If the woman complains that you weren't thorough enough, it is considered appropriate to ask her if she would like some cheese with her whine.

I think fixing a computer is something that men are increasingly expected to know how to do. Computers are the new cars in this sense. I don't think anything really advanced is required. But I think I would feel a little emasculated if I didn't at least know how to set up an email client, or connect to a wireless network, or something like that.

I would like to add that if any of you think that any of the things on this list shouldn't be there, solely because you don't know how to do it, chances are that you're an insecure weiner.

On the Wine thing...Most women around here think a bottle of Boones Strawberry Hill,is a fine wine...They wouldn't know a the difference between Cherry Kool - Aid,spiked with Vodka,and a Cabernet Sauvignon.

On the flat tire thing..99.7% of the time I'm not in my truck when I get a flat/blowout.I'm with someone else in thier vehicle,I'm my own pit crew...so I have no problem there....


I want to elborate on this one just a tad....

Be able to throw a ball,any ball,a baseball,softball,even a football.

A couple of my own....(after talking to a few women friends)

Manners - Ok not really a survival (thing every man),more of a civilized (thing every man ). I think this one is disappearing off the civilized landscape,pulling out a chair for a lady,opening a door,please,thank you,no elbows on the table....

Remember I'm a redneck..so take these as you will
(Kind of an add on to changing your tires)
Basic mechanics - Check your own oil,transmission fluid,check your battery,Jump a car,Change your spark plugs.(ok,that one may be pushing it) how about know what a spark plug is...

Mow the Lawn - I had a nieghbor,( thank god they moved ),That didn't know how to mow the lawn.

Yes Dear/Honey - A phrase that every striaght man should know learn it,use it.

Never refer to your signifgant other as" the old ball and chain" with in ear shot....

Never answer the question...Does this make me look fat? the answer is always No...dear

What happens at bachelor parties stays there....

Where the condoms are....

Based on all these, I'm covered. I dont know a damn thing about wine though. However, when I need wine for a meal that I'm cooking, there is always an old lady in the grocery store who can spell out any and everything you ever wanted to know about wine selection.

I'd like to add knowing how to cook at least one fancy meal.

The wine thing is huge for me.  First of all, I love wine.  Second of all, it just shows a bit of culture.

Another big one for me is basic table manners.  I'm not going all 5 star or anything, but I don't want to be embarrassed at teh dinner table.

I laugh if a guy can't drive stick well since ALL of my cars for the past 10 years have been sticks. 

I think all men should be able to talk about some sort of current events.  If not, they come across as stupid to me.  They don't have to know everything, but if I mention a major thing going on in current events, they shouldn't look like I'm speaking a foreign language.

They shoud know there way around the kitchen.  Nothing major, but not look like a dumbass either.

I'm sure there are a lot more, but these are the basic ones that usually wouldn't get you a second date or anything.

I know more about wine than I should, for someone who doesn't drink.

I've worked in the IT department of several Napa Valley-area wine companies.

I can do this, although I have never gotten laid because of it. Funny thing is, I can stick aluminum cans, beer mugs, shot glasses, and various other objects to my head and do so often at parties, and have gotten laid because of that.......what is this world coming too?  ???


As for the rest of this crap I can do all of it except for ordering wine. I, much like some of the rest of you, can not stand wine so I never really thought about it. I might read up on it just for shits and giggles!!!!

Seeing how the majority of the guys here look at this as a way of getting laid would you like to rethink that statement?

Nope.  It has nothing to do with getting laid.  It has to do with me not thinking they're a dumbass that's been living under a rock.

<---dumb ass living under a rock....

I never think someone that knows their wines is cultured.  In fact, people that make a big fuss of wine (wine snobs) appear to be trying to act more cultured than they are.  If you are truly cultured, you don't have to flaunt it. 

If I know that a cabernet sauvignon is good to have with steak (I don't know if it does, I'm just guessing), why does that make me more "valuable" than Lil-B, who doesn't know that?

That's kinda a dumb criteria.

I'm glad my girlfriend doesn't drink wine...

I personally feel a nice Makers Mark goes well with a steak. I don't turn my nose down to anyone who wouldn't know what that is or someone who wouldn't drink it. Here's another question, don't you think a man ordering for a woman is a bit presumptuous in this day and time? Typically drinks are ordered before food, so I have no idea what she would want to drink or eat at that point.

On the rare occasion that I drink, I prefer a good bourbon or a very old scotch. Makers Mark is an excellent bourbon...

I don't know much about wine and am not too worried about finding out myself. My wife doesn't drink wine so there was never a need to learn.

It cracks me up when we go over to a friends house and they want us to drink wine and we say no thank you.  They act as if we are missing something in our uncultured lives. It's almost like we insult their cutured existance. That and also I refuse to smoke the occasional cigar with the "boys." I see no reason to do that either. If I wanted to smoke cigars and drink wine I wouldn't need these special occasions to do so.

I think a lot of people are misinterpreting "how to order a bottle of wine".
I don't think they mean "how to order for a woman" or "the difference between a pinot grigio and a chardonnay" or "knowing every bottle of wine that has come out of Napa Valley".
I think what they mean is that if you happen to be at dinner, and you want to order a bottle of wine, that you don't look like a dumb ass and say "just give me whatever". You should be able to look at a wine list and know what it is you are looking at, if thats your choice.
It's the same as saying you should know the difference between Scotch's and Vodka's.

Philly hit it right on the head.

My guy doesn't order for me. But, he can look at a wine list and not mispronounce things and look like a dumbass while ordering it.

And, no I don't want a wine snob, either. 

Do I think a guy that knows his wine is more valuable than another? No. It's just something I think a man should know. 

Why is it that the wine things bugs you guys?  I don't get it. You're ok with everything else, but the wine. 

probably because we're talking on a Sports message board,where they drink Beer...not wine....

Credited.

In order to give proper representation to all fringe groups within the Inebriation demographic, I think that the following items are more important than knowing your Bordeaux from your Ripple:

* Be able to guage within 0.5 grams the weight of any bag of ganja by sight, without touching it

* Be able to squeeze one bud from a bag and project:

~~ overall quality of the reefer and potential brain cell body count
~~~ within two hits how many lungfuls of mother nature's finest the bag contains
~~~~ ancillary figures calculated individually for joint, bong and pipe smoking, with potential usage strategies to extend shelf life
~~~~~ real world translations to the data above after factoring in between 15-30% social shrinkage

I wouldn't know a bag of ganja from a bag of oregano.

Wow...I can do all of these!
( I consider knowing how to order a bottle of wine as  not looking like a 'tard when the sommelier asks what I'd like to drink and knowing the generally accepted "white wine white meat, red wine red meat" axiom.  You know, the basics.  I certainly don't sit there like a dork sticking my nose into the glass as I swirl the wine about, commenting on its "oaky" qualities.  That's just gay)

Taken the way you guys look at this, wouldn't it make sense for someone that likes wine to know how to order it? Why should all men know it then? If we aren't going to drink wine, I don't need to know how to do it. I am pretty in line with Stroke though as those skills are more suited to my leisure activities.

What about those of us who can't drink wine? It makes me sick. Dos this make me less desirable?
As far as the shot thing goes, that is stupid. I am more impresed by someone who can correctly order a drink i.e. "I want a Macallan neat".

For me?  Yes.

I kid. It just makes you less manly in my book.  :) 

I am less manly because my body cannot properly absorb the sulfites contained in wine?

No.  The little smiley face should've been an indication of the fact that I was kidding.

An allergy is an allergy. Though organic wines have far less sulfites than average ones and usually none added.

Also, I didn't say you had to drink it. 

I would like to add the following to the list of things a "real" man should know

* how to play poker (a couple of the standard games)
* know a little something about cigars
* know something about single malts...be able to pronounce 1 correctly when you order

I love single malts. A real man should have at least one scotch he regularly drinks.

A real man should be able to bench 400 lbs. Wine, cigars and malt beers are for girlie mans!

Just kidding fellas!  ;)

Every men should know where the clitoris is.
Case closed.

Word.

Is that the only requirement?

Yep.  If all else fails find the clitoris.

Is that somewhere in Brooklyn?

Easy to please....I like that!!!!!  8)

This post needs,Very graphic diagrams,pics..and further investigating....

Don't forget about the SKEET! SKEET! smack it twice and rub it in! >:D

Isle of Jura has just come out with a new single malt, great if you like a strong peat taste.  At home I'm drinking The Balvenie Doublewood 12 Year Old.

I enjoy Auchentoshan, and have had the privledge of tasting a 25yr Macallan.