Behind a computer versus real life

[MaineDolFan]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, since CF had a minor dust up with some people and basically said "how come you aren't such dicks to me when I see you in real life?"  CF's question was very valid and has had me wondering for a long time.

How does your on line persona differ from your real life persona?

I think it's a mistake to say something like "they wouldn't be able to argue as well, all they do is research their point and spew out facts that they just dug up."  Research doesn't make someone less able to make a point, it just helps to drive one in.

One thing about words on a computer screen is that you can't tell intent or tone of voice.  I've been called a lot of things on this site and those things generally go in one ear and out the other.  The reason?  The person that I am here is that the person I am in real life.  I treat people in real life the same way I do here, I say the same things.  It doesn't come off as abrasive in real life because it's not. I don't have a shortage of friends from all stages of life: school, college, military, jobs. 

So the rub.  Does everything that could be taken as abrasive get hit with the obligatory "I'm kidding but not really" smiley face?  Does everything get smacked with the "I don't mean to offend you, but..." label?  Or do I just say what is on my mind, know within me what my tone is and that I can't change how things on a computer screen will be perceived and hope that the body of work outweighs the abrasive?

Well, I think you all know the answer to the question as far as dealings with me go.  It's pretty simple - strong willed and opinionated people are going to rub people the wrong way sometimes.  I have no doubt that the majority of you that I have had dustups with are nice people and you've befallen the same dilemma that I have.  Be yourself and risk occasionally rubbing people the wrong way or hide behind your computer and be someone from the safety of your den or office that you would never be in real life.

Back to the original point, CF's question made me wonder.  A comment from 'Lil B tossed some fuel on to that fire.  I'll explain:

I joined this site in, I think, 2003.  Somewhere around early 2005 Dave asked a handful of us to become moderators; CF and Philly in the Fins talk, Snoop Strokey Stroke in the Around the NFL, Jtex in the Anti-Fins, me in the other sports and B in the 'other things.'

So not to pick on Lil B, but this comment came out today from him:
"This coming from the person that I get the most complaints about the off board topics...."

Lil B has been a moderator for over three years, if my timeline is correct, in this forum.  According to him there are more complaints in this thread about me than any other person.  Never one time has one of those complaints been brought up to me.  By anyone.  Not once.  Not by Lil B, not by Brian or Fau or Philly or Dave.  I think I am making my point here.

People complain in my forum and I address it.  My forum by design isn't built to have the same passion filled discussions, but there have been some.  I get a complaint and the person it was lodged against gets this reply from me.  Some of you have gotten this from me.

"Do me a favor and PM him and address your concerns.  If you don't get the answer you need, let me know and I'll talk to them."

I don't sit back and let 'x' amount of years of complaints mount up and then toss them into someone's face in a moment of frustration.  So where I am going with this is simply this:  If this is true there are a bunch of people that aren't who they portray on line.  Again, not to pick on Lil B, but that makes wonder what would cause someone to sit on something like that for three years?  Maybe it's true.  Maybe it's not.  It's equally disconcerning.  Three years of complaints and not one brought to my attention?

I know that people feel a certain safety saying whatever it is that they want to say from the anonymity of being behind a computer.  The fact of the matter is this - what I say on line is exactly what I would say to any of you face to face.  I would also do so without any fear of repercussion.  My life experience has told me that I am a pretty darn good guy.  People like me.  Not everyone and that's okay.  That's just life.  Not once have I been accused in real life of talking down to someone, being "smarter" than anyone else, being abrasive - and yet, here, that happens.  That's life as well and that's okay.  Again, having a strong opinion about something runs the risk of someone accusing you of "being better than everyone else." 

My ramble has a point.  I wonder how many of you in real life would say some of the things that you have said to other people in here?  Not just me, I've seen some pretty mean and vulgar exchanges going on.  People here talk about a "great community" out of one corner of their mouth and practice something different in the other.  I challenge people to this:  next time you are typing something imagine that person sitting across from you and you're saying it in person versus hiding behind a computer.  Don't allow your personal insecurities to cloud an issue and make something there that isn't.  If I had a nickle for every time Lil B called himself a "dumb redneck" I would have a nice pile of change.  For whatever reason that particular insecurity makes him feel as though he's being spoken down to by me.  Not true and, honestly, it really bothers me that he feels that way.  Who wants to be referred to in the way he referred to me?  I don't.

"Be who you are, everyone else is taken."

Am I perfect?  Hell no.  I've also apologized I don't know how many times for getting hot under the collar.  I have done that out in the open forum and I have done it through PM.  I am not perfect - but I am real.  I'm not hiding, this is who I am.  What you read is what you get.  Contrary to what  was written about me earlier I actually back down and admit when I'm wrong a lot.  I guess I can't win.  I'm bullheaded, "smarter than everyone else" and abrasive swhile sticking to my guns and "change positions" when I look at something in a different view point and admit I might be wrong on the topic at hand.  I also am man enough to admit when something stings and there were things today the stung.

Who I am here, on this website, is who I am in real life.  I have to be doing something right in real life judging by the amount of true friends that I have, the feedback I receive from co-workers, etc.  So try talking to people the way you would in real life.  When you are reading a response from a person try to take that response with a grain of salt and give the person the benefit of the doubt that they are not trying to get under your skin, they are trying to make a point.  In other words speak to people the way you don't mind being spoken to.  Otherwise this 'community' is a farce. 

[StL FinFan]

I have to say that I used to try to argue with people and get them to come around to "my" point of view.  I have found this to be a pointless venture, because it isn't going to happen.  Now, if I feel myself getting angry over something someone else posted, I just walk away.  If I feel I have to post something, it's one and done and I stay off that thread.  Moderators don't have the luxury of just skipping something if it's in their forum, but the rest of us do.  Sometimes you have to take a break from things if they cease to be fun.

[bsfins]

It seems you have TOTALLY missed the entire point,of my comment...You're the one that complains about others posts.....of the 12 -15 complaints I've gotten about threads need to be locked they are from you complaining that they need to be locked.....

I was Trying to give a suttle nudge to some people,about starting threads,that might be misleading or turn into raging religious,or political debates.(that seem to exclude many people on the board,who would rather not comment on the thread) You took it as I was trying to argue with something you said in the thread...It didn't matter...I wanted to use a thread that wasn't locked,and wasn't too bad,but was going off to different subjects that didn't have anything to do with the original question.....

I want to you to point out where I said ...Maine you're derailing the "should Porn be banned thread" I didn't...Yet you went back an deleted your posts,and modified them.....Then Attacked me for "not reading the thread" ..You were accusing me of something that I've not done....

I think you forgot a figure of speech when I said ...You've got people talking about slavery,and weight loss" ...Remember that figure of speech..Like someone says " You've got Murders running free in the streets" Did I say You were Running around Murdering People in the streets No....

The reasons Why I call myself the Dumb Redneck is my own reasons...and none of your business....

So I don't derail the poor Maine thread,and answer the question.....
I'm a hermit,and So I'm much more social on the board than I am in real life...But I 'm also pretty blunt,and pretty much say it as I see it.....

[MaineDolFan]

Dude - look at it as a "poor Maine" thread all you want.  It's not - but how you perceive it is all on you.  It's an honest question - are people on line who they are in real life?  I question that.

The threads I toss your way are ones that have gotten very bad with personal attacks - and you know that.  I'll stop tossing them your way, no sweat.  I've never tossed a good natured thread your way that has just gotten of course, just ones where people are really starting to attack each other.

And I really don't care if you are a dumb redneck or a NASA scientist, honestly.  Those self observations, however, make you see things that simply aren't there.

[YoFuggedaboutit]

Well said Maine, well said.  I'm exactly the same as you.  What I say on this site is the same as me in real life. 

Granted, I might say stuff that people disagree with, but a good discussion can be had without the need for personal attacks and name calling. 

Don't attack me, and I won't attack you.  Period and end of discussion.

[Defense54]

 

Don't attack me, and I won't attack you.  Period and end of discussion.
 

Absolutely.  And I think I've proved that here as well.

I know for a fact half the shit said about my Job would NEVER be said to an officer in real life or to my face. Thats pathetic.  I really Try never to say anything I wouldn't say to your face in real life. 

[CF DolFan]

a dumb redneck or a NASA scientist, honestly. 

[hijack]
I know a redneck NASA Engineer.  Is that the same thing?  
[/hijack]

I believe some people are the same or at least very close but many people do become something are not.  I think Tommy is pretty similar to what he portrays as I have been around him a few times and he doesn't seem any different.  I do question a lot of the people who call him out though ... Lil B not being one.  I don't think B has ever given the impression he is something he is not.  In fact, he usually tries to downplay what he is.  

I don't think they are the only "real" personalities in here but I can say that I think the "brutal honesty" from a lot of others would not be as direct in person.  In fact ... I'm betting it wouldn't be or else several people on this site, as well as other sites, would not have very many teeth.  Of course seeing as how I haven't met everyone I don't really know that they do!    As a whole ... forums create an environment for rudeness and uncalled for honesty that does not exist in the real world.  

[Dave Gray]

Tommy, you're so full of crap it makes me want to puke.

You initiate personal attacks all the time!

[YoFuggedaboutit]

Tommy, you're so full of crap it makes me want to puke.

You initiate personal attacks all the time!

Oh give me a fucking break, Dave.  You're telling me that I'm initiating personal attacks all the time when you're posting crap like what you just said?  I don't usually INITIATE personal attacks.  Rather I tend to respond to the ones like this one you just posted with a bigger attack. 

And don't start with the "it's my site" crap either.  That shit doesn't fly with me. 

[MaineDolFan]

 I don't think B has ever given the impression he is something he is not.  In fact, he usually tries to downplay what he is.  

I want to be very clear that my post isn't an anti-Lil B rant at all.  He just happened to be in the blast zone today and I used him as an example (on something it looks like I misunderstood to boot).  B and I are friends, at least I consider him to be one anyway.

I'm not pointing this at anyone in particular.  I just think some of the rudeness wouldn't happen if people really knew each other.  We fashion ourselves as tight knit, so we should start acting like we do know each other.

[run_to_win]

Are attacks on our intelligence considered the same as personal attacks?   

[Dave Gray]

Oh give me a fucking break, Dave.  You're telling me that I'm initiating personal attacks all the time when you're posting crap like what you just said?  I don't usually INITIATE personal attacks.  Rather I tend to respond to the ones like this one you just posted with a bigger attack. 

And don't start with the "it's my site" crap either.  That shit doesn't fly with me. 

Tommy, I don't think you know what a personal attack is.  That's the problem.

I think you're probably the WORST on the entire board when it comes to personal attacks (like calling them a homo or something unrelated to the topic).  Seriously, if I had to rank every member on the site and how often they resort to name calling, you'd be at the top of the list.  #1.

What spawned me saying that most recently is this quote:

Did you ever consider that that's the name of the town it's in?  And maybe, just maybe,  that's where that brand of butter originated from??

Get back to me after you've passed Geography 101.   

Telling someone that they're full of it for something they said isn't a personal attack.  Don't you find it a bit humorous that you have the quote above and the one about how you don't personal attack unless attacked first within the same hour?

[bsmooth]

I think it smacks of true cowardice when you talk about kicking someone's ass or trying to intimidate by bragging about how big, strong, tough you are in the middle of a thread, knowing that you will never face said person in real life.
As far as not saying things to people in real life, while it may be true for many people, there are some of us who have said what and how we feel about certain career fields and the good and bad things about them.

[YoFuggedaboutit]

Tommy, I don't think you know what a personal attack is.  That's the problem.

I think you're probably the WORST on the entire board when it comes to personal attacks (like calling them a homo or something unrelated to the topic).  Seriously, if I had to rank every member on the site and how often they resort to name calling, you'd be at the top of the list.  #1.

What spawned me saying that most recently is this quote:

Telling someone that they're full of it for something they said isn't a personal attack.  Don't you find it a bit humorous that you have the quote above and the one about how you don't personal attack unless attacked first within the same hour?

You know what the difference is?   The guy I made that personal attack to is a troll.  The guy I called a homo is also a troll.  They come onto this site and immediately stir the pot by bashing the Dolphins.  As a result, they get attacked by EVERYONE.

[MaineDolFan]

Are attacks on our intelligence considered the same as personal attacks?  

As long as you realize that everything you think and say is wrong, no.


Nuttin' but love for ya, Run!