Where are the parents of the bad kids?

[Spider-Dan]

I have a question about the "breakdown of the American family":

Are crime rates worse than they were 50 years ago?

[Landshark]

I have a question about the "breakdown of the American family":

Are crime rates worse than they were 50 years ago?

You should be asking that question about the divorce rates

[Spider-Dan]

Well, that too.  I'm not sure if the downfall of American society is that we have stopped forcing people to stay in failed marriages.

[Landshark]

Well, that too.  I'm not sure if the downfall of American society is that we have stopped forcing people to stay in failed marriages.

More like people are giving up on their marriages way too easily these days.  And I don't mean for serious reasons like drugs, cheating, or domestic violence but petty stuff.  My wife does things that are really irritating at times but I hold back because I love her.  I'm sure I've done stuff that has irritated her as well. 

[Dave Gray]

More like people are giving up on their marriages way too easily these days.

Haven't you been divorced?

[Landshark]

Haven't you been divorced?

Nope.  Been married to my wife for over 25 years.  People nowadays treat marriage like dating and run for the hills when things get tough.  Apparently they forgot the vows they took at the altar.

[Buddhagirl]

Nope.  Been married to my wife for over 25 years.  People nowadays treat marriage like dating and run for the hills when things get tough.  Apparently they forgot the vows they took at the altar.

This is stupid. I was raised by parents that stayed together "for the children". IT WAS AWFUL. My parents hated each other and my sister and I knew it. The constant bickering and antagonizing that went on in our house was far more traumatizing than a divorce would have been for us, so cut this bullshit out. On top of that 2 people were miserable for 20+ years "for the children".

Sometimes people get married, grow the fuck up, and realize they have nothing in common or hate each other. That's not just "running for the hills" when things get tough. It's figuring out what is best for you and your family.

[Landshark]

This is stupid. I was raised by parents that stayed together "for the children". IT WAS AWFUL. My parents hated each other and my sister and I knew it. The constant bickering and antagonizing that went on in our house was far more traumatizing than a divorce would have been for us, so cut this bullshit out. On top of that 2 people were miserable for 20+ years "for the children".

Sometimes people get married, grow the fuck up, and realize they have nothing in common or hate each other. That's not just "running for the hills" when things get tough. It's figuring out what is best for you and your family.

Have you ever been married?  If not, then let me give you a piece of advice.  If you fall in love with someone, you should date for at least a year, then be engaged for at least a year.  That's plenty of time to find out whether or not you really love the other person or have a lot in common.

[Buddhagirl]

Have you ever been married?  If not, then let me give you a piece of advice.  If you fall in love with someone, you should date for at least a year, then be engaged for at least a year.  That's plenty of time to find out whether or not you really love the other person or have a lot in common.

Never been married. Never plan on it.
And your advice is bullshit. Plenty of people fall out of love even after dating for a few years. Stop being so smug.

[CF DolFan]

Sometimes people get married, grow the fuck up, and realize they have nothing in common or hate each other. That's not just "running for the hills" when things get tough. It's figuring out what is best for you and your family.

That is absolutely the biggest lie out there about marriage.  They have nothing in common only because they don't want it.

I'm pretty sure you don't want my take but I'll give it anyway. I've been married almost 23 years ... married right out of high school.  I had sex with probably 30 girls prior so it's not like I don't know what the other side is like. I have both Christian and non Christian friends with good and bad marriages.

No one stays the same. If people only stayed married because they naturally "stayed" in love we wouldn't have any marriages. If we only stayed married until we lust after someone else, or found them interesting, or loved being with someone different then all people would divorce.

First of all, many marriages aren't built on love to begin with. It's infatuation which quickly disappears. This is easily replaced when a new person starts paying attention. Suddenly "i don't love you any longer" and " I'm really connected with this new person in a way I've never know before".  This is lust and infatuation and will dissipate as well.

This is a shortened version but if a marriage is to work in the long run then both people have to commit to the marriage and not each other. Divorce is off the table. Doing it for the kids is off the table. Doing it because we can't afford anything else is off the table and any other excuse to stay married. If you are committed to the marriage then the selfish stuff should disappear in the same way if you are committed to loving God everything else should be affected by that.

I've seen it in dozens of real life examples. People lose their way, hate each other, sometimes have an affair and decide divorce is the only answer. When it gets this far you have two options. Quit and move on or work to repair the marriage.  I guess three because you could stay married and miserable but wheres the fun in that.

If your only answer is to work to repair then there is no doubt it can be fixed.

Think of marriage as a box. in the beginning it's full of love, lust, happiness and desires. After a while all of that disappears unless you continue to replace it with positives.  

Reconnecting or finding the same reasons you fell in love with someone is easily achieved when they are your focal point. Most people think marriage is 50/50 but if you are only putting half effort in it then you wil get half results. Marriage should be 100/100 percent. Regardless of what she does I should do what I need to do is right and vice-versa. If I'm doing it for her then I won't when I'm pissed and she won't either and so on. If I do the right thing because it's best for the marriage then it has a positive effect instead of a negative effect on that marriage box. If my focus is on making her happy instead of what else I can be doing then I will no doubt rekindle what I think I had lost.

Every single person enjoys new attention from someone/something else. In fact I think people in many marriages goes through some type of an emotional affair at one point or another.  If that's their focus then they will naturally pull away from their marriage. If they focus their attention on the one they fell out of love with then it's amazing how easily they remember why they were together in the first place.

[Buddhagirl]

 This makes no sense.

[Phishfan]

Haven't you been divorced?

It is hard to keep up isn't it?

[Spider-Dan]

I don't think it's any sort of great revelation to say that you can force yourself to stay with a person or that two people who are committed to doing so can maintain a marriage regardless.  That being said, CF, at best you can only take credit for 50% of your successful marriage; if you were married to a woman who was not equally committed to maintaining a marriage, then there's nothing you could do to make it work.

So this kind of "all you have to do is want to make it work" stuff is kind of shortsighted.  It's easy to tell people to make sure it's the right person before you get married, but people change, and even if you're willing to stick with your commitment (even if the person you married has changed dramatically, no longer has the same interests or personality, etc.) the other person may not be.

That's the thing about a no-divorce culture; if it's in place, then people don't have to work at keeping a marriage together (because it's going to stay together, whether you like it or not) and if there isn't a no-divorce culture in place, no amount of effort will be sufficient unless it's coming from both spouses.

[bsfins]

It is hard to keep up isn't it?

I quit trying a long time ago,it's not worth it...

Personally,I don't think being married,or divorced has little to do with a good parents and bad parents.

Just like I don't care how long you've been married,people change,and want different things or want different things out of life.My parents were married 20+ years,Both my Sisters were married for 15+ years all divorced....My mom has been married twice,and divorced twice,despite the catholic fucking church.Why they all got married,and divorced is different...My Dad is still married to my step mom for 33 years now...As long as he's rich,she'll be there....I don't think there is the scarlet letter,stigma of being divorced as there used to be.My mom was practically exiled ...whispered about,that's the divorced lady....It's a good thing,most people are over those days.

My parents were 17,and still in high school when they got married,and millionaires at 21.My Dad only loves money,My mom loves her family.My father was a miserable father when my parents were married,but that was a different time.He thought he made the money;He was being a good father...My Brother and two sisters had everything provided for them,but had an absent,never there,shut up you are supposed to be seen,and not heard child hood...Not exactly a father figure...He was about the bigger house,the nicer cars,more traveling.The family was there for show...

Me,the things I wanted 10 years ago,are a lot different the the things I want now.I can safely say,10 years from now will probably be different from what I want today...

Just my take on it....

[CF DolFan]

This makes no sense.

Your love is where you put your focus. If you focus on the negatives of your spouse and the positives of something/someone else ... you will lose interest.

You can make yourself like or dislike anything.

I know many people who actually quit on a marriage and are now back and happier than ever in that same marriage.

This gets taught to pastors because its very common for them to get so wrapped up in their ministry that they lose their family.