99 Problems...

[stinkfish]

Alright guys, help me out. I met this woman 3 years ago at work, and was taken with her immediately, I mean, hard. But I couldn't do anything about it then. Last year at this time when I moved back home with my dad, she was the first person that I told outside of friends and family that I was "free". Gave her my number, we texted and talked on the phone for a solid year, went out a bunch of times. Had good times together. Then sometime between halloween and Thanksgiving everything changed on her end. I have no idea, and she wasn't much of a communicator to begin with. I tried. Hard. She even asked me at one point if Id want to be with a woman who would want a kid some day. Made me think that there was a future with this woman that as it turns out, I fell in love with, but she didn't. I asked her a couple of weeks ago about some dinner and hotel reservations that I had made for us. Asked her if we'd be going romantically or as friends. She said friends. We texted a little more about it that night when she got home. But that was it. Haven't spoken for two weeks now. I see her one night a week at work, and it's hard. It hurts. I'm good about it when I don't see her. Sure, I miss our texts and talks, and keep hoping that maybe she'll shoot me a text. I've been out with a couple of different women since I started  to sense that shit was going sideways between us. One of these women I've been out with almost on a weekly basis. I like her, we have a good time together, but she's not "her"I'm not used to this. I'm never the dumpee, or rejected, or getting my heart broken. I can change my schedule so I don't have to see this woman at work at all anymore. I'm actually tearing up writing this  How can I get passed her? I thought having a new woman would help, and it has, but my "ex" just left work for the night and I'm kind of a wreck. How to move on? How do I stop carrying a torch for a woman, who, after thinking back to a couple of different instances did or said a couple of shitty things to me?

[DenverFinFan]

I hope everything will resolve itself for you Stink.

Our wants and desires are the cause of our suffering so let’s want or desire nothing and we shall cease to suffer.

[Spider-Dan]

I don't know if you can truly get over her until you find someone that you like even more than you liked her.  Even then, it may not ever be the same as it was.

In my opinion, the best most effective advice I've received on how to deal with a heartbreak is to act like you don't care.  If a girl breaks up with you, and you're still smitten, continuing to chase her usually makes things worse.  So just pretend like it doesn't matter.  If she wants to get back together, she'll reach out; if she doesn't, then you're better off with a clean break.

There is something to be said for "You are what you pretend to be."  If you tell yourself every day that you need to act like a good person, and you work on maintaining that persona, eventually you become indistinguishable from a good person.  If you tell yourself every day that you need to act like an asshole to get ahead in life, the same thing applies.  And if you tell yourself every day that you need to act like you don't care about this girl any more, eventually it becomes true.

I'm not a therapist, and I don't know if that is the healthiest approach to relationships, but it certainly seems effective.

[Dave Gray]

I'm sorry you're facing this.  But it's something that everyone goes through.

I think the biggest thing to realize is that you can't do her part for you.  If she's not into it, for whatever reason, you can't and shouldn't do more to make up for it.  That will be bad all around.

You just gotta work on yourself and live your live and move on.  Time is the only thing that will heal it.  Spider is right, in that you have to live your life like you aren't dealing with that hurt, and eventually you won't be living with that hurt anymore.

[masterfins]

Change your schedule, have zero contact with her - no calls, no texts.  She's not interested in you romantically, and never will be.  For her you're in the friend zone, and that will never change.  Sorry to sound harsh, but I wasted a couple years when I was young in a similar situation.

[CF DolFan]

Like Dave said ... unfortuanately everyone goes through this at some point but recover to do better. Enough time away and you will see that she wasn't the one. Right now all you see are her postive traits and are ignoring what she wasn't. It sucks but a part of life that helps us to appreciate the good ones. 

[pondwater]

Change your schedule, have zero contact with her - no calls, no texts.  She's not interested in you romantically, and never will be.  For her you're in the friend zone, and that will never change.  Sorry to sound harsh, but I wasted a couple years when I was young in a similar situation.

Masterfins has the correct answer. She's either not interested in you romantically or she's playing that silly chick game that silly chicks play. Regardless, either one of those won't be good for you.

You asked her about going out of town romantically or as friends. She said friends. Therefore, in this situation what I would do personally, is cancel the trip with her and then go 100% no contact. If she comes back around, let her know that you are romantically interested in her and that's all you'll accept from her. Otherwise tell her to hit the bricks.

Odds are that if she isn't fucking you, she's fucking someone else. And even if she's not, that's how YOU have to view the situation. Keep moving forward and don't look for her in the rear view mirror. There are billions of women in the world, they're not a rare commodity.

[dolphins4life]

Maybe you could be friends with benefits with her.   That would depend on if she has lost her physical spark for you.

I did that once in 2018 and part of 2019.  I met her in July of 2018, and we seemed to hit it off, but the distance was too much for a relationship.  We decided to just text as friends, but eventually we met up again, and decided there was nothing wrong with being intimate as a part of a friendship.  After all, she was physically attracted to me.  I think the key was that I was able to convince that it wasn't JUST about the intimacy.  I simply wanted that part to be included.  We did that for several months, then she lost her physical spark for me, so we parted ways.  That doesn't mean it was not a good thing.

[Downunder Dolphan]

I see her one night a week at work, and it's hard. It hurts.

I can change my schedule so I don't have to see this woman at work at all anymore.

If you can change your schedule, do it.

I agree with what masterfins and pondwater has said - if you can't handle the just friends ultimatum, then it sounds like you really need complete time away from her to get your head together. Otherwise this would be feeling like death by paper cuts.

[stinkfish]

Great advice guys. Thank you all. I've been away from here for a while simply because I've been ashamed of myself for putting all of that out there. It's getting better for me. I still see her occasionally for like a minute a day or two a week. Or she'll creep into a thought now and then. But I'm not really thinking about her when I'm not seeing her. Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

[Fau Teixeira]

I understand the thought of shame and vulnerability for putting stuff out there. Just keep in mind that what you're going through, everyone has gone through at one point or another. Maybe not that specific situation, but in similar situations.

Rejection will hit us all at one point or another, be it in romantic relationships or work situations, or even hobbies and pass-times. There's nothing to be ashamed of in being on the receiving end of a rejection. You cannot control others and their opinions. Accept yourself first and foremost and it'll work out in the long run for you.

[Dave Gray]

Great advice guys. Thank you all. I've been away from here for a while simply because I've been ashamed of myself for putting all of that out there. It's getting better for me. I still see her occasionally for like a minute a day or two a week. Or she'll creep into a thought now and then. But I'm not really thinking about her when I'm not seeing her. Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

I understand how that feels and you can construe is at embarrassment.

But vulnerability is strength.  Being able to express feelings for support.  That's what other people are for.

[CF DolFan]

Not to make fun of the situation but the rodeo clown this weekend said men have a real hard time saying three things. Saying I'm sorry, I need help, and "Worcestershire" sauce. hahaha

[masterfins]

Great advice guys. Thank you all. I've been away from here for a while simply because I've been ashamed of myself for putting all of that out there. It's getting better for me. I still see her occasionally for like a minute a day or two a week. Or she'll creep into a thought now and then. But I'm not really thinking about her when I'm not seeing her. Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

One of the best things to do is a rebound relationship.  Join a dating site and go out on a few dates, even with women you may not be interested in, or they may not be interested in you.  I did that once when I broke up with a long term GF and it was the best thing ever; and I actually met a few really nice women.