http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2284&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1Curt Schilling: Nothing screams "sex" more than a bloody sock. While 2005 may not have been his best season, the way this man sacrificed his body in ’04 makes me want to do many unholy things to him. But the problem is that Curt is a very holy man. He has a happy family and a wife that he probably doesn’t cheat on. He goes to church and loves W. I could not, in good conscience, do him. My love would taint his legend, resulting in an ’06 downward spiral that all the Roger Clemens Jrs. (ie: Josh Beckett) they acquire in the off-season could not save. Plus, it would probably be missionary.
David Ortiz: On one hand, he’s one of the greatest clutch players ever. On the other, he looks like a gorilla. I thought about doing him just because he should’ve been MVP last year but, logistically, that wouldn’t work. He couldn’t be on top, because I would die. I couldn’t be on top because dammit, I’m really not that flexible. So, it would probably have to be from behind and even calling him “Manny” wouldn’t make that fun. Oh well, I guess he’ll have to settle for a congratulatory hand job, but I’d use KY Warming to make it extra nice. Sorry, Papi, but Spanish nicknames just aren’t my thing.
But he’s such a good hitter
Verdict: Not Do
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