How would you handle these situations?

[bsfins]

(situation 1)
I was here at work till 3 am this morning,and was unexpectedly called in to hold the fort till this afternoon.So I walked in the door at 7:30 am this morning,and headed straight to the couch in the break area,turned on the big screen,and went to sleep.The front desk girl comes in a few minutes later,she leaves me be.(luckily it was the "good" front desk girl).Every once in awhile she wakes me up,to talk to a client,or field some questions.She taps me to ask me to talk to a lady in the front lobby,I mumbled something semi coherent.Then told her I'll meet the lady in the conference room.I go to the bathroom,make myself presentable,swing by the security room to take a gander at who I'll be talking to.She appears to be a larger lady,she looks around and scratches her crotch area.I chuckle,and think she doesn't know she's being watched.

So, I walk into the conference room,she starts explaining what she wants/needs/how we can help her.She reaches down with her right hand,and scratches the crotch area.She continues on for a minute or so,then her right hand disappears,to scratch the crotch area.I explain that it's a police matter,or a get a lawyer matter,we can't help her.She continues on with why we should help her,then the right hand disappears.It stays under the table for for best part of 3 minutes or so.It sort of looks like she's rubbing her crotch now,not as much of a scratching.Then she lays her right hand on the table,I'm trying not to stare,but I'm fixated on her right hand and what might be on her hand.Poison ivy,poison oak,Yeast infection,or worse,crabs,or some std.

So I sneezed 3 times,Excused myself,got up walked over to the sink in the conference room,and washed my hands...hint...hint...

A couple minutes later,she starts scratching again.I excuse myself,grab the front desk girl,and we walk back to the security room.We catch her on camera stick her hand down her pants,and scratch,and rub her crotch.

I go back into the conference room,explain again we can't help her.Now extremely grossed out...She stands up and Says fine,whatever...then she sticks that right hand out for me to shake....

What would you do? How would you have handled this situation?

I gave her the old Football swim move,put my hand on her shoulder,and reassured her,that it was ok.Avoiding contact with her right hand at all costs,slowly turning her towards the front door.Then giving my spiel about thank you for coming in,please think of us in the future.Then we went back and bleached,everycleaner we had the table and lysoled the hell out of the chair.The chair we have put in the closet,for someone higher up to decide what to do with.

(Situation 2)
I come home check the mail,It's an Invite to your Ex's wedding.

What do you do? How do you handle this situatuion?

[Denver_Bronco]

#1..LMAO, tough call, but you handled it like a champ. You could have also said, "just a second" and applied a latex glove to your right hand to shake hers.

#2, hell friggen' no i wouldn't go. I can't imagine this is a friendly invite. Its gotta be one of those spiteful "look at me now" invites.

[Phishfan]

Man I really missed these stories. I cannot imagine anyone digging in their crotch like that. At all costs avoid that hand.

I wouldn't go the the wedding. I don't think I have ever really heard of someone inviting their ex. Do you still stay in touch?

[bsfins]

I've ran into her a few times...I'm Single,and she's always had someone with her.We're cordial to eachother,How ya doing? ,good,it's good to see you.Where you working? Etc,Etc.

I'm somewhat bitter,I don't have any feelings for her,just the way it ended.

I'd call her an ex-girlfriend...not a friend.

[JVides]

I'd wear a haz-mat suit before touching that hand, so nice move on your part with the swim move.

As for part 2, I probably wouldn't go, but I tend to avoid weddings whenever possible. 

[Sunstroke]

(situation 1)
she looks around and scratches her crotch area. I chuckle,and think she doesn't know she's being watched. ...

She reaches down with her right hand,and scratches the crotch area.She continues on for a minute or so,then her right hand disappears,to scratch the crotch area. I explain that it's a police matter,or a get a lawyer matter,we can't help her.She continues on with why we should help her,then the right hand disappears.It stays under the table for for best part of 3 minutes or so.It sort of looks like she's rubbing her crotch now,not as much of a scratching.Then she lays her right hand on the table,I'm trying not to stare,but I'm fixated on her right hand and what might be on her hand.Poison ivy,poison oak,Yeast infection,or worse,crabs,or some std.

So I sneezed 3 times,Excused myself,got up walked over to the sink in the conference room,and washed my hands...hint...hint...

A couple minutes later,she starts scratching again.I excuse myself,grab the front desk girl,and we walk back to the security room.We catch her on camera stick her hand down her pants,and scratch,and rub her crotch.

I go back into the conference room,explain again we can't help her.Now extremely grossed out...She stands up and Says fine,whatever...then she sticks that right hand out for me to shake....

What would you do? How would you have handled this situation?

We're missing one critical bit of information which would have determined not only my response to the snatch-scratcher, but the timing of it. What did she come in for? You say you told her it was a police or FBI matter? If it was some sort of missing person or runaway situation, I would have waited until she reached down to rub her nub and then asked her "Are you checking to see if they're hiding in your snatch?"

If it wasn't a missing person/runaway situation, (and depending on the acoustic qualities of your security room), I probably would have said, just loud enough for her to hear me on the other side of the one-way mirror "I don't know what the hell she wants, but look at the size of the crabs coming out of those drawers!"

(Situation 2)
I come home check the mail,It's an Invite to your Ex's wedding.

What do you do? How do you handle this situatuion?

If I had the snatch-scratcher's home address on file, I'd send the ex's wedding invitation to her...send her through the greeting line there. 

[bsfins]

In reply to Strokes question....
She wanted us to break into her Ex husbands house,and get her "grandmother's family heirloom wedding ring".Which she can't prove she owns,she couldn't describe it,and doesn't have a key to the front door. (To the house she supposedly lived for 10 years)

Great answer Stroke!

[Frimp]

I've been in a similar situation. Luckily, the woman was left handed, and gave me the left to shake. She was also scratching with the right hand. After she left, I went and washed my hands with bleach followed by white vinegar and VERY hot water...In case she had used the left hand before she came into the store.

The other situation...I'd either respond and say that I was coming with a date, and not show. Or, I'd go, bring a date and make out with her all through the reception.