In true Joe Tex fashion, here are four things I ABSOLUTELY HATE about birthdays...
Birthday scheduling: Once a year? You've gotta be kidding me! As momentous an occasion as my coming to life had to be in the cosmic order of things, it should be celebrated at least once a month.
Birthday cakes: What profit-mongering baker first came up with the idea of a birthday cake? Why not a birthday steak, or a birthday pizza, or a birthday bowl of fukkin' pudding? I'm fairly certain we could get candles to stand up in any of those as well, and I'll enjoy eating it a lot more.
Birthday cards/General Birthday greetings: I really don't need a hundred people congratulating me on being one year closer to kicking the bucket. I also don't need that same hundred people to cram their name and a tiny lame-ass one-liner all over a birthday card to give to me. Do my coworkers REALLY think I value their autographs soooooo much that I'm going to keep this card longer than a couple of days before tossing it in the trash?
Birthday presents: Unless I'm buying them for myself, NOBODY ever gets me a birthday present that I'd have considered purchasing for myself. It's usually a book that someone decided my life would be empty without reading, or a shirt that's two sizes too small. It's been a year since the last birthday...surely you could figure out some present to get me that I might actually have a use for.
Hap-hap-happy birthday, Joe...ya cynical bastard.
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